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An article in Tuesday's New York Times, "Empathy's
Natural, but Nurturing It Helps", caught my eye. The article described how empathy is developed. Empathy is the key quality that defines whether we are fully human or less than fully human. Several experts say empathy to be capable of empathy, we have to be treated with empathy. They say for children go beyond
themselves to care about others, they must have a secure attachment to
another person.

 

People who grow up without adequate empathy have no basis for security through empathy. For them, security is based on control and avoidance. Security may lead to avoidance of people who are physically different, or who have different beliefs. Indeed, when people are not fully human and lack empathy, we may be safer with people who are like us than with people who are not.

The movie "Edward Scissorhands" came to mind. Though physically Edward was not like other people, he had empathy. People whose own nature was empathic, recognized Edward would not hurt them. But those who lacked experience with empathy and believed safety to be based on being alike, were afraid of Edward.

 

 

Does empathy for all humans, even those who are not us, threaten our security? Not if we recognize that, though empathy is key in defining a person as human, not every person posses this key quality. But we need to maintain our own humanity nevertheless, for when a people lose their humanity, they become fair game. Unless we are fully human, we have no basis for human-to-human relationship, whether personally, nationally, or internationally.

 

Just as some leaders believe empathy is weakness, so do some parents. Parents who were afforded limited empathy in their formative years may believe it is good for children to be shown no empathy. But the article says a child whose distress is ignored, scorned or, worse
yet, punished can quickly become distrustful of their environment and
feel unsafe.

 

This brings us to the question of what it was like in ones own childhood. When empathy is in short supply, anxiety issues develop because the ability to regulate feelings does not develop. Security becomes based on control, or ability to escape. When flying as a passenger, there is no control of the plane and no way to escape the plane. As a result, feelings can't be controlled.

 

There is an answer. Hopefully, we can find at least one moment in which we experienced an empathic connection with another person. We need to take such a moment and link it to each situation that challenges us emotionally. These links are established by using the Strengthening Exercise, taught in the SOAR courses. Once a link is established, anxiety in that situation is reduced to an acceptable level.

 

If you are a parent, or planning to be a parent, please read this interview with Cassandra Vieten, author of Mindful Motherhood, interviewed by Elisha Goldstein.

Click to read this interview

 

A sample follows:

" . . . attention is like a searchlight. Wherever you point your searchlight becomes illuminated, and you can see what is there. . . . when your attention is not trained onto the present moment, it's hard to perceive the current situation accurately. . . .  Babies love people who are right there in the moment with them. It makes them feel safe, loved, and attended to. For that matter, so do partners, loved ones, colleagues, and, in fact, when we learn to center our attention in the present moment, even we end up feeling safer, loved, and attended to. Present-moment awareness in parenting makes it easier to do everything - from feeding the baby, to soothing their crying, to dealing with in-laws, and it helps us see all the aspects of each situation - the good, the bad, and the ugly."

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 Dear Captain Tom,



I have been a SOAR client for who knows how many years? I've also written to you over the years as I hit new milestones in my mission to fly fear-free.



I'm more than proud to report that I've achieved a major one -- "Premier Elite" status with United's Mileage Plus Program. That's more than 50,000 miles, and rapidly growing!



Over the holiday break, I flew from my home in Brussels to Washington DC, then to Denver, then to San Francisco, then back to Washington DC. I return to Brussels on Saturday night.



Everyone thinks I'm crazy to travel this much, but I tell them I have decades to make up for...and I'm having a blast. The best part is that I don't even think about getting on an airplane as "an event" anymore...it's just a means to an end. It's taken a while to get here, but with a lot of determination and your support, I've done it.



I've thanked you numerous times, but I have to do so once again. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

 

 

Flying tomorrow or the day after? Be ready to fly in 90 minutes with Rapid Relief.

Flying in three to ten days? Get comprehensive help with SOAR Complete Relief.

We are always here to help. As you go through the program, call or email whenever you have a question or a concern. 

 

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Is it a safety issue when pilots travel thousands of miles just to get work? See Patrick's column at this link.

Discuss Or Schedule An Individual Session -- Call 877 332-7359



Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)



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