Chat Wednesday 9 PM - 11 PM Eastern Time
Free Group Phone Counseling With Capt Tom Wednesday 10 PM - 11 PM Eastern Time
- dial (712) 432-3900
-
when asked, enter the conference ID 9352101 followed by the # sign
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Just For Fun
You'll find that about 1 person in 5 (1 in 5.56, to be exact) is afraid to fly. Yet the odds an airline passenger will be involved in a plane crash this year are 1 in nearly 10.8 million. It would be wiser to fear cruise ships. There's a 1 in 2.3 million chance cruise vacationers will tumble overboard.
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About Success
Andrew Holley, who does such great work designing the SOAR web site, suggested that in addition to testimonials, a visitor to the web site might be helped to decide to deal with fear of flying if they could read some stories they could identify with. Many of you responded, and responses are still coming in. I want to share a paragraph from an email that just arrived.
Over the years my fear has continued to ebb and flow, but the program gave me all the tools I needed to help guide me. In fact, in preparation for an overseas trip this year - one I thought I could never take - I went to see an anxiety specialist to give myself that extra boost. Every technique that therapist applied was one SOAR had previously taught me and I quickly realized I'd already had everything I needed. And while I continued to seek therapeutic guidance to keep me on track to take on this long flight - absolutely and literally my biggest fear - I no doubt couldn't have even entertained the idea without the foundation SOAR provided and the confidence it gave me flight after flight after flight.
There is something I would like any reader who as not yet gotten started, or any reader who has started but not reached their goal, to know. What you get here at SOAR is key, but just as important is the person's commitment.
Depending upon their commitment, when they feel anticipatory anxiety, some give up. They say they can't do it, or they say what we provide doesn't work. What we provide works for anyone and everyone who stays engaged with the struggle. Once you meet the captain, anticipatory anxiety goes away. Everyone who stays with the struggle and tries a flight discovers that. And they discover the in-flight feelings also have changed remarkably. The feelings they were sure would overpower them simply are no longer formidable.
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More On Personality Disorder
Last week, I wrote about growing up in a family where a parent has a personality disorder. This week, let's look at a what its like as an adult to be in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Before going into this, there needs to be some understanding that personality disorder is a matter of degree. Dr. James Masterson, M.D. points out that none of us escape childhood unscathed. In his view, we all have at least a touch of personality disorder and the salient question is whether a person is a "high level" or a "moderate level" or a "low level" Borderline, Narcissist, or Schizoid.
We all can recognize a low level personality disorder. Typical behavior of a low level Borderline is using drugs or cutting their wrist to get relief from psychological distress. The typical low level Narcissist is insufferably focused on their own grandiosity. A low level Schizoid is a recluse who seems to have no interest in relationship, though the truth is they fear relationship. See article at this link.
At the Masterson Institute, it was sometimes said that it is impossible to have a relationship with a Narcissist because they already have an exclusive relationship with themselves. And, it is impossible to have a relationship with a Schizoid, because as the relationship begins to develop emotionally, the Schizoid will require emotional distance or to leave. Thus, the only personality disorder available for relationship is a Borderline. Borderlines are very into relationship, but to the point of being clingy, jealous, and volatile.
So though it may be tempting, when in a relationship with a Borderline, to leave when the person is clingy to the point you cannot have a moment alone, jealous to the point that no amount of fidelity is convincing, and volatile because of perceived slights, relationship with a Borderline is the only relationship available. The school solution at the Masterson Institute was, if you want a relationship, look for the highest level Borderline you can find.
That brings us to this week's article by Charles H. Elliott, Ph.D., Should You Stay With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder? What follows is a highly condensed version of the article which you can find at this link or you could get his book Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies.
People sometimes ask us if they should stay with a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder. They tell us that their loved one can flip from wonderful to horrible in a split second. They wonder whether they should keep working on the relationship or abandon ship.
Not surprisingly, people who care about those who have BPD often ask which of these various states represent the "real" person-the difficult states or the endearing ones? In order to answer that question, let's first take a look at some of the disagreeable states as well as what may cause them. Then we'll review the positive behaviors and the causes for those. We'll conclude by filling you in on which ones reflect the "true" person at the core.
People with BPD often inflict harm on those they love (sometimes quite intentionally; other times without conscious intent at all). They can say and do things that are perceived as astonishingly hurtful. Furthermore, people with BPD often fail to understand appropriate limits and boundaries of those they care about.
Those with BPD often criticize their partners. They may burst into rage, anger, or impulsive actions with seemingly little provocation.
Although their behaviors can seem quite dreadful, their fears and failure to understand other people's perspectives lead them to act poorly. For example, if they fear abandonment, they may respond to their partners' unexpected late arrival as proof positive that their partner is planning to leave them for someone else. Their fear then turns to rage.
On the other hand, people with BPD quite often appear to be some of the most wonderful people you've ever known. They will go out of their way to demonstrate caring and concern. They praise their partners' appearance, send unusually thoughtful gifts, offer backrubs, and run errands just to please their partners.
What causes these delightful behaviors? Often it's because of the same fears and insecurities that drive dreadful behaviors. For example, fear of abandonment will cause them to work very hard at being utterly irresistible. At times like these, their partners often report feeling on top of the world and adored in ways they have never felt before or since.
Which is the Real Person? Both. Yes, those with BPD are often caring, considerate, and kind. On the other hand, atrocious behaviors over and over again, that's part of their "real" self as well.
Thus, the decision to remain in the relationship or not is complicated. Don't stay if you're expecting the negative behaviors to disappear. Sometimes people with BPD manage to control their outbursts for a couple of weeks or even a few months, but they always return unless the person has worked very hard in therapy. Successful therapy for BPD typically takes one or more years of treatment at least once or twice each week-and usually includes both group and individual work.
If you're staying because you have low self-esteem and find the praise and caring addictively irresistible, you'll probably need therapy for yourself in order to develop confidence in your ability to take care of yourself.
If everyone in your world is advising you that you're in a self destructive relationship, at the very least we strongly recommend you listen to them and see a therapist. If you find yourself lying to family and friends about the relationship, know that something is wrong.
You may wish to consider remaining in the relationship if the negative behaviors are quite infrequent, not too intense, and have been showing clear signs of improvement over a period of months or years.
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Reader's Comment On Parental Personality Disorder
I am happy to read that the parent's effect on the child and later after that child becomes an adult cannot be taken lightly. I was raised by an alcoholic single mother who also suffered from disassociative personality disorder. She'd go from loving and attentive to angry and distant in an instant and without provocation. Alcohol only made the problem worse. Her traumatic childhood (beginning in infancy and continuing into early adolosecence) severly affected her. On top of this she was fearful of EVERYTHING. "Don't drive a car, you could kill someone, don't fly, that's so unsafe; don't travel anywhere, who knows what could happen, don't trust anyone, life is bad, etc., etc.
There is more than a casual relationship between childhood and who we are as adults. More importantly, some of the "bumps" in childhood turn into huge mountains in adulthood. After many years of therapy, I dealt with all of those issues and moved on to raise a happy, healthy son and am now remarried to a wonderful man. However, it was not until I took the SOAR class (first on cassette tapes, then I bought the DVDs) that I dealt with the fears that were holding me back not only in flying, but other areas of my life. Your class teaches us how to overcome our fear of flying, but it also teaches how to over come some fears of living.
Again, thank you,
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SOAR Will Work For You Too
SOAR was established in 1982 because no programs existed that could
help people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other
program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No
matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.
- Call me at 877 332-7359 between 10 AM and 6 PM Eastern time or
- Set up a time online at http://soar.genbook.com
- No Charge. No Obligation. Just get the information you want.
Or Enroll Right Now And Get This Over With
You will feel better as soon as you make the decision.
You will feel better as soon as you make the decision.
- Accelerated courses give you the most help possible in the time you have available.
- A twenty-minute private session and unlimited group counseling sessions are included.
- What you pay is 100% transferable to the SOAR Video Course 11 DVDs.
Start viewing on your computer screen in two minutes.
- Get a compact version of the SOAR Course.
- Load it on your laptop, iPod or other media player. More info.
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Unsure Which To Choose
If
you are unsure which is best for you, please call me at 877 332-7359 so
we can talk it over. You will feel better as soon as you decide to act.
We are always here to help. As you go through the program, call or email whenever you have a question or a concern.
I would like to have you read the best quote I've seen that applies to the Northwest overflight. The amazing thing about this quote is that it was a statement made back by Sullenberger in June during the Hudson River landing investigation. It is because flying is "ultrasafe" that pilots must discipline themselves to remain vigilant.
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American Eagle Pilots Will Be Able To Be Taken Off A Flight If Fatigued
An
agreement has been worked out between American Eagle, the regional
commuter airline associated with American Airlines, and its pilots'
union to deal with fatigue. Pilots can ask to be taken off a trip if
they're too tired to fly. A board will review the pilot's decision and
if it agrees with the pilot, removal from the trip will not be held
against the pilot.
agreement has been worked out between American Eagle, the regional
commuter airline associated with American Airlines, and its pilots'
union to deal with fatigue. Pilots can ask to be taken off a trip if
they're too tired to fly. A board will review the pilot's decision and
if it agrees with the pilot, removal from the trip will not be held
against the pilot.
This
is a remarkable advance in an industry that has been trying to wring
every bit of work they can out of pilots. You can read a report on this
at this link.
is a remarkable advance in an industry that has been trying to wring
every bit of work they can out of pilots. You can read a report on this
at this link.
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Northwest Overflight
I would like to have you read the best quote I've seen that applies to the Northwest overflight. The amazing thing about this quote is that it was a statement made back by Sullenberger in June during the Hudson River landing investigation. It is because flying is "ultrasafe" that pilots must discipline themselves to remain vigilant.
Sullenberger said, "I think one of the many
challenges of our profession is that it's become so ultrasafe, where
it's possible to go several calendar years without a single fatality,
as we've just done recently, that it's sometimes easy to forget what's
really at stake," he said. "One of the challenges, I think, is to
remain alert and vigilant and prepared."
Patrick also makes several good points in his column this week about the Northwest fiasco. To read it, click here.
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Air New Zealand's Matchmaking Flight
On Oct. 13, about 100 North American singles flew from Los Angeles to Auckland hoping to find true love 30,000 feet in the air. No date has been set for a second flight, but an airline spokesperson said the airline would like to do it again.
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Not What You Want To Hear
Forty-five minutes after an Aseman Airlines Boeing 727 took off from Tehran, Iran, the pilot informed the passengers of a "technical glitch" and asked them to pray. Aseman Airlines is based in Iran. The story is at this link.
Discuss Or Schedule An Individual Session -- Call 877 332-7359
Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)
You'll reach me easily. The toll-free number rings my cell phone.
Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)
You'll reach me easily. The toll-free number rings my cell phone.
- find out how I can help you with flying
- discuss the possibility of a counseling session
- set up a time that fits your schedule
Outside the U.S. and Canada call 203 258-4803
- a twenty-minute session is $60.00 if not enrolled in a course.
- one twenty-minute session is free if enrolled in any course.
- additional twenty-minute sessions are $60.00.
- two one-hour sessions are included in the SOAR Guaranteed Program
Schedule An Individual Session Online
Note: Times Listed Are Eastern Time (same as New York)