Chat Wednesday 9 PM - 11 PM Eastern Time
Free Group Phone Counseling With Capt Tom Wednesday 10 PM - 11 PM Eastern Time
- dial (712) 432-3900
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when asked, enter the conference ID 9352101 followed by the # sign
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Fear Of Flying And Parental Personality Disorder
The anxiety a fearful flier experiences is often the result of growing up in a family in which a parent had a personality disorder. Being the child of a personality disordered parent is bewildering. The parent is never at fault, at least in their own mind, and their mind is is only mind that seems to count. I recall one such parent whose car sported a bumper-sticker that said, "Insanity Is Inherited! You Get It From Your Kids!" Imagine what it was like to grow up in that house! Kids whose formative years are at the tender mercies with such a parent have more than their share to deal with, both while growing up, and later as adults. As an adult there may be a realization that current problematic thoughts and emotions come from psychological wiring improperly established during formative years. But just as the electrical wiring in a house is already established and it is inside the walls, so is our psychological wiring. Change means opening up the walls. Is it worth hiring a professional to open up the walls and do rewiring so that the feelings and behavior patterns change? And, what change is needed? Perhaps that question is the easiest to answer. The change that is needed is flexibility and the ability to view the processes that produce the current feelings and behaviors. As quantum physics tells us, even the act of observation changes what happens.
Erika Krull has written a good article on this subject which you can find at this link. The following combines some points from her article with what I've learned about personality disorder.
Personality is the collection of traits, behaviors, attitudes, and thoughts. When these are healthy and positive, a person can cope fairly well. But with personality disorder, patterns and traits are rigid and inflexible. The person knows things are wrong. But they are wrong because of someone else. This inflexible and extreme position is not recognized as inflexible or extreme, but as "normal" and "correct".
Since problems are regarded as due to someone else, if you give a personality disordered person feedback about something they do that makes problems, they either will not understand, or will regard what has been said as a cruel and invalid attack. Occasionally, when something hits home, the personality disordered person feels deeply wounded and hopelessly abandoned. That, too, is extreme, but that is the extreme the person seeks, by whatever means, to avoid feeling. Obviously, a child dealing with the mind of such a parent has no chance of feeling understood. The real self of the child get steamrollered. Thoughts not aligned with the parents are
"abnormal" and "wrong". Feelings the parent does not share are "abnormal" and "wrong", or dangerous and threatening.
"abnormal" and "wrong". Feelings the parent does not share are "abnormal" and "wrong", or dangerous and threatening.
If attempts at being understood result in being brushed off as irrelevant, the child takes on that as part of its identity. If the child, seeking to be understood, is regarded as a cruel attacker, the child takes on that as part of its identity. And if the child, seeking to be understood, wounds the parent, the child comes to regard his attempts at connection with another as endangering their stability.
When growing up with a personality disordered parent, it is not possible to feel emotionally secure. How can anyone be emotionally secure whose feelings are wrong, according to the household's Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
There are different styles children can adopt to deal with such parents. One style is to merge with the parent so as to always be on the same page. To be on the same page, the child gives up its real self and takes on the parent's views, behaviors, and emotions as his own. As the result of this fusion, the child takes on the parent's pathology. This means a child who fuses with a parent with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder takes on the same personality disorder.
In another style, the parent is fearful of abandonment, and emotionally cripples the child so the child will always be linked emotionally and will remain close physically. To cripple the child, the parent overprotects. The child is caused to believe it is fragile. When the child experiences emotion, the parent communicates in one way or another that this is too much for the child to deal with and must either pull back from the cause of the feeling or cling to the parent for protection. Completely normal feelings come to be regarded as extreme, and potentially overwhelming.
The first two styles develop before age three. But another style develops later as a conscious decision. The child recognizes the situation is hopeless, and bides its time until able to physically escape. But until physical escape is possible, the child psychologically escapes. To have a life of its own, the child develops a fantasy life and lives in fantasy. Attempts to relate to other children are difficult because the personality disordered parent gives the child little experience in healthy interpersonal relating. The child learns that relatedness that is other than superficial is either impossible or dangerous.
As a child, you think that once out, you will be fine. The problem is, in one way or another, you carry inside a concept of your self and of others that is skewed by years of being told - by a disordered person - who you are, what you are about, what you should do, and how messed up you are. You have not been taught to regulate emotion. You not have developed skills needed to have an emotionally intimate relationship.
It takes a lot of good therapy to find your true identity, and separate it from the false identity given you by the disordered parent. A good place to start is with a book by Dr. James Masterson titled "Search For The Real Self". You can find it at this link.
On the airplane, the adult child of the personality disordered parent uses the skills honed in childhood with the parent. For some, it is to have the right way of thinking and feeling. It may be reassuring to "know" you are right in how you think or feel, but when alone on a plane and unaccompanied by the parent the fusion is with, a slight doubt can slip through the cracks in this person's ironclad defenses. If a crack develops, the person can come apart emotionally and psychologically crash, though the plane is flying perfectly fine.
The person who has been made psychologically fragile may cling to someone on the flight. That might work if the person clung to is a pilot; otherwise it is of limited benefit.
These first two styles keep things out of mind as a strategy. But the third style depends on psychological distancing as his or her only strategy when flying, a strategy which may fail during takeoff and during turbulence
which are too intense and intrusive to let the person keep the flight out of mind.
which are too intense and intrusive to let the person keep the flight out of mind.
A new way to control feelings with flying is needed. SOAR provides a way to correct - at least as it applies to flying - the wiring that was developed as a way of dealing with things when growing up in a family where the rigidity of a personality disordered parent skewed everything.
If you are ready to get a better way, there is no better time than now. Take a look at Complete Relief at www.fearofflying.com/relief
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Star Wars Fans May Like This
Greetings Jedi Master Tom,
Just completed a successful round trip from LA to San Fran and back. A micro trip, that in the past has felt like a trip to the moon and back. I am in the claustro and acrophobia camp, so distance is irrelevant when there's no escape, 6 miles up.
SOAR was a gigantic help in actually enjoying myself this go-round. I even had a 3 hour delay to think about it, and then boarded an Express Jet (2 seats on each side) and didn't flip my lid. 'How in the heck is a mental exercise going to "automatically" stop me from freaking out!' My answer to doubters: Not really sure, but who the flip cares when it works!
An additional assist, that no flyer should be without, is an iPod. I've got feature length movies, books on tape, SOAR, and music all loaded up to keep the stinkin' thinkin' at bay. I plug in my super whammey, noise canceling head phones, and fire up a movie, and I'm like a dang infant with a passie. Keep up the good work Master Tom - you are SO the man!
Note: The SOAR downloads referred to for in-flight use on the iPod or iPhone (laptop will also work) are "Take Me Along" These are eight audio or video clips to use at the airport and during the flight. It is available at this link.
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SOAR Will Work For You Too
SOAR was established in 1982 because no programs existed that could
help people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other
program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No
matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.
- Call me at 877 332-7359 between 10 AM and 6 PM Eastern time or
- Set up a time online at http://soar.genbook.com
- No Charge. No Obligation. Just get the information you want.
Or Enroll Right Now And Get This Over With
You will feel better as soon as you make the decision.
You will feel better as soon as you make the decision.
- Accelerated courses give you the most help possible in the time you have available.
- A twenty-minute private session and unlimited group counseling sessions are included.
- What you pay is 100% transferable to the SOAR Video Course 11 DVDs.
Start viewing on your computer screen in two minutes.
- Get a compact version of the SOAR Course.
- Load it on your laptop, iPod or other media player. More info.
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Unsure Which To Choose
If
you are unsure which is best for you, please call me at 877 332-7359 so
we can talk it over. You will feel better as soon as you decide to act.
We are always here to help. As you go through the program, call or email whenever you have a question or a concern.
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Northwest Overflight
A few emails have come in asking about the Northwest pilots who overflew their destination airport.
Overflight should never happen. A licensed dispatcher plans the flight and submits the flight plan to the pilots. The flight plan includes checkpoints alone the way, the time the plane should cross the checkpoint, and the fuel remaining. Pilots are supposed, during a flight, to crosscheck the estimated checkpoint crossing time and fuel with the actual and write down actual figures. It is obvious, since the flight plan also includes the time to start the descent, that if the pilots are doing their job, filling out the flight plan as the flight proceeds makes it impossible to lose track of where the plane is.
Planes are so automated that pilots can simply let the plane fly the route. Since, on domestic flight, the flight plane does not have to be retained as an official record, the pilots may not bother filling it out. But filling out the flight plane is part of flight discipline, and flight discipline needs to be maintained.
As an example of flight discipline, on every takeoff, the pilot who is not making the takeoff calls out "80 Knots" when his or her airspeed indicator reaches that speed. The pilot making the takeoff crosschecks his or her own airspeed indicator. This crosscheck was put in place many years ago after an accident was caused by insects building a nest in the tubing feeding the airspeed indicator. I did the 80 Knot crosscheck on every airline flight of my career. I never found a discrepancy. It would be easy to simply, after a dozen years, to say "forget it", and not do the check. But air discipline - what keeps flights safe - requires that check.
So does doing the flight plan. Even though it seems superfluous, I'll bet this captain and copilot wish they had maintained discipline and filled out the flight plan as the flight progressed.
It is no secret that airline pilots have had pay and benefit cuts while being squeezed to fly more or more hours per month. It has reached the point that some pilots have decided to quit. Though hating the job is no excuse for not maintaining flight discipline, it may be understandable that if one simply burns out, the result is a sort of depression. Interest in the job decreases to the point that things that should be done do not get done due to depression.
That being said, we come to the icing on the cake, a merger. Initially, media reports said the pilots involved in this incident were involved in a heated discussion. Mergers always cause friction. It is not uncommon for there to be animosity. Later media reports (see this link) say both pilots were using their laptop computers, and that the copilot was showing the captain how to schedule his flying using the new Delta computerized scheduling system.
Overflight should never happen. A licensed dispatcher plans the flight and submits the flight plan to the pilots. The flight plan includes checkpoints alone the way, the time the plane should cross the checkpoint, and the fuel remaining. Pilots are supposed, during a flight, to crosscheck the estimated checkpoint crossing time and fuel with the actual and write down actual figures. It is obvious, since the flight plan also includes the time to start the descent, that if the pilots are doing their job, filling out the flight plan as the flight proceeds makes it impossible to lose track of where the plane is.
Planes are so automated that pilots can simply let the plane fly the route. Since, on domestic flight, the flight plane does not have to be retained as an official record, the pilots may not bother filling it out. But filling out the flight plane is part of flight discipline, and flight discipline needs to be maintained.
As an example of flight discipline, on every takeoff, the pilot who is not making the takeoff calls out "80 Knots" when his or her airspeed indicator reaches that speed. The pilot making the takeoff crosschecks his or her own airspeed indicator. This crosscheck was put in place many years ago after an accident was caused by insects building a nest in the tubing feeding the airspeed indicator. I did the 80 Knot crosscheck on every airline flight of my career. I never found a discrepancy. It would be easy to simply, after a dozen years, to say "forget it", and not do the check. But air discipline - what keeps flights safe - requires that check.
So does doing the flight plan. Even though it seems superfluous, I'll bet this captain and copilot wish they had maintained discipline and filled out the flight plan as the flight progressed.
It is no secret that airline pilots have had pay and benefit cuts while being squeezed to fly more or more hours per month. It has reached the point that some pilots have decided to quit. Though hating the job is no excuse for not maintaining flight discipline, it may be understandable that if one simply burns out, the result is a sort of depression. Interest in the job decreases to the point that things that should be done do not get done due to depression.
That being said, we come to the icing on the cake, a merger. Initially, media reports said the pilots involved in this incident were involved in a heated discussion. Mergers always cause friction. It is not uncommon for there to be animosity. Later media reports (see this link) say both pilots were using their laptop computers, and that the copilot was showing the captain how to schedule his flying using the new Delta computerized scheduling system.
That, of course, is not "minding the store". Though pilots may be overworked, underpaid, victimized by the system, injured by the merger, or learning the new Delta way of doings things, the captain's job is to maintain discipline regardless of circumstances.
Jim Hall, former airline pilot and National Transportation Safety Board chairman may have put it best, "It's inexcusable. I feel sorry for the individuals involved, but this was certainly not an innocuous event - this was a significant breach of aviation safety and aviation security."
There is one more thing to say, and this was said by a client. The fact that the pilots felt so comfortable on the flight that they saw no reason not to take out their laptops and let the plane fly itself, he said, gave him a new and powerful way to understand how safe and secure pilots feel when flying, and if anyone knows the score of actual safety in the air, it has to be the pilots.
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Pan Am In A Garage
Nostalgia for the golden age of aviation leads an executive to create a replica of Pan Am first class in his garage. See this link.
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Safest Place To Sit
Todd Curtis, Ph.D. explores the seat location question at length at this link.
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Discuss Or Schedule An Individual Session -- Call 877 332-7359
Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)
You'll reach me easily. The toll-free number rings my cell phone.
Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)
You'll reach me easily. The toll-free number rings my cell phone.
- find out how I can help you with flying
- discuss the possibility of a counseling session
- set up a time that fits your schedule
Outside the U.S. and Canada call 203 258-4803
- a twenty-minute session is $60.00 if not enrolled in a course.
- one twenty-minute session is free if enrolled in any course.
- additional twenty-minute sessions are $60.00.
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Schedule An Individual Session Online
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