SOAR Fear of Flying Weblog :: DECISION ANXIETY; YOUTUBE VIDEOS

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Articles for you on aviation and flight anxiety at www.fearofflying.com/wordpress/

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More On "Decision Anxiety"

Several readers emailed saying "Decision Anxiety" fits their situation, and asked for a follow-up on what they can do about it. For example, "I try to be an independent person, so I can do things based on my own decisions. I could overcome one force stopping me from traveling...but when it's two forces ... 'flight phobia' and 'decision anxiety', well, that's very difficult to overcome. It would take a lot of inner strength, and I don't feel like I'm that strong anymore...emotionally speaking."

The most important follow up I can offer is this: find a local therapist and dig into the matter. I don't believe it can be done any other way. The best way I can explain the need for a professional is this is: a few years ago, I bought a house built back in 1790. There was a problem with the electrical wiring. The electric power coming into the house was OK. But some lights worked and some didn't. The problem was with the wiring hidden behind the walls. If I had tried to fix it myself, I would have had to tear open the walls. That turned out to be unnecessary. A skillful electrician was able to figure out where the problem was and how to fix it. I think that applies to psychology. We know how the problem manifests itself, but to fix the problem, we need expert help to figure out the wiring hidden inside. A good therapist, like a good electrician, can trace the wiring problem and fix it.

A Few More Thoughts About Decision Anxiety

Self-help books, or to do-it-yourself attempts, are not likely to produce good results.
But, if you want to try on your own first, consider this. Dr. James Masterson told those of us who studied with him that when a person grows up in a family that clings to you - or wants you to cling to them - decision anxiety is inescapable whenever you think for yourself and whenever you consider taking action which is in your own best interest.

Dr. Masterson said you could even consider anxiety as a navigation signal that you are on the right track. Though not every act that causes anxiety is the right act to engage in, the activity of thinking for yourself, or of considering action in your best interest, causes anxiety. In that way, anxiety means you are on the right track because thinking for yourself is right for any individual to do.

That said, you may just notice how many influences there are to not think for yourself. It comes from political parties, from drug companies, for department stores, from religious leaders, and - of course - your family. No one, it seems, wants you to think for yourself. And, the threat is, if you do think for yourself, you will be alone, unloved, unaccepted, and abandoned.

Consider one of the founders of family therapy, Murray Bowen. Bowen talked about a concept he termed "differentiation". The Wikipedia defines differentiation as "the capacity of a person to manage his or her emotions as well as thinking; their individuality as well as their connections to others." Bowen experimented with differentiation in his own life. He boldly sent a letter to each member of his extended family which showed how each member was linked to each other member, what alliances existed, and even what deceptions each family member was engaged in with each other family member. Bowen did this, he said, to force himself to establish differentiation for himself by refusing to compromise within the family. He expected these letters to destroy his relationship with his extended family. Initially, the letters caused a firestorm, but as family members dealt with the issues the letters brought to everyones attention, the family became emotionally stronger, and so did Bowen.

So, though Bowen expected his initiative would cause him to be alone, unloved, unaccepted, and abandoned, his boldness paid off.

But even if you do not get, in the end, a good reaction from your family when you think for yourself, once you have finished thinking for yourself, when you make an irrevocable commitment to take action according to what you think is right for you, anxiety becomes less, and may even disappear. It depends, mainly, on how solid your commitment is, and how willing you are to let the chips fall where they may.

Anxiety is highest when you are thinking about taking action. You get relief when you either

abandon taking action, or

establish commitment to take the action regardless of what the family influence is.

Dr. Masterson's view was to expect anxiety and to accept it as the cost of doing business. He cautioned therapists he trained to NEVER accept it when a client says they have to abandon their commitment to themselves because anxiety is too big for them to deal with. He cautioned us NEVER to agree that the client can't follow through with a decision. He explained that anxiety is an empty weapon that families use to control family members.

Why Anxiety Seems Like A Loaded - Rather Than An Empty - Weapon

Many of us were trained as children to believe we are too weak to endure anxiety. We are trained to believe we will collapse under the weight of anxiety, go crazy or have a heart attack. Thus, feelings, which should be regarded as "user-friendly" bits of information become regarded as dangerous and threatening. If so, safety means feeling "nothing at all". This search for false safety of "feeling nothing" actually leads to danger. The quest to "feel nothing" leads to the use of drugs or alcohol, or to avoidance. It is not safe to use drugs or alcohol to "feel nothing", and that is true not only when flying, but also on the ground. It is not wise to use avoidance to feel nothing for, step-by-step, it makes the scope of ones life smaller and smaller until one has no life at all.

The need to feel nothing comes from inability to appropriately regulate feelings, together with the belief that feelings are dangerous. When a parent has a limited ability to deal with feeling alone, the parent often cripples one or more children to make the child - even as an adult - dependent in order to avoid feeling alone. The child/adult is kept attached by being taught that he or she is not strong enough to deal with feelings.

Other families do the opposite. Children are left to deal with feeling on a "sink or swim" basis. Research shows that some kids do well with this approach, but far more just sink and never develop the ability to deal with feeling without turning to drugs.

A far better decision, and one that needs to be made ahead of flying, is to strengthen ones ability to regulate the feelings that can be regulated and to endure the feelings that can't be totally controlled.

When it comes to day-to-day living, the differentiation Bowen talked about and experimented with may be something you can experiment with. If feelings of anxiety seem - as the writer of the email was saying - too much to deal with without support, get some support. Like an electrician, a good therapist can help you understand how you are, in fact, wired up, and how some re-wiring can be accomplished.

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Our Videos On YouTube

Our videos are at http://youtube.com/user/CaptTomBunn.

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Looking For Memories To Use In The Strengthening Exercise

Relationships can strengthen us emotionally or weaken us emotionally. When we only can recall relationships that - overall - weakened us, what can we do? We may, as adults weakened by truly unfortunate relationship, struggle to get through day-to-day.

If we had to depend - for our emotional health - on having a relationship that is one-hundred percent good, or even close to that, we would be in big trouble. But we don't. We have an opportunity get the emotional support relationships can offer by doing some picking and choosing. There is an old expression that says we need to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. What I'm suggesting is that treasured moments in some earlier relationship do not have been thrown out just because the overall relationship didn't work out.

Picking And Choosing - To Select Out Moments That Benefit - Can Be Painful

Though it will cause some pain to revisit an old relationship that - overall - failed, revisiting an old relationship has to reveal a few moments that are treasures. After all, if there was not something good here and there in the relationship, it would not have lasted for even an hour.

Bite the bullet. You may need to go back over memories in a place that comforts you. Or, you may even need to secure the services of a therapist to support you, person-to-person, as you do this. But go back over the history of your relationships, locate the moments that - in that moment - was experienced as treasured, and capture it.

We really need, inside, access to moments to sustain us. It doesn't matter how far back they are. In fact, the early ones are more important than the later ones. It doesn't matter that things came apart later; this moment really happened, and it is yours. Claim it for yourself.

If you have a photo album, look through it as you do this. If you have old letters or notes - anything that is from the past - use it to help you re-establish your mind in history.

It is truly important to sift through memory and find the little moments that are emotional jewels, even if they were few, and even if there seem to be none when you start.

Once you find a treasured moment, use it in the Strengthen Exercise. But just going back and reclaiming them will add emotional strength to you for day-to-day living.

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You, Too, Can Fix The Flying Problem Now

Get started with the program that works. SOAR
was established in 1982 because no programs existed which could help
people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other
program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No
matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.

Full Length Course

We have the full length SOAR Video Course on 11 DVDs and we have the accelerated FastTrack course. The full length course provides the maximum help possible. More info.

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FastTrack is for you if you have a flight coming up soon, even tomorrow! It includes three hours of the most important video clips from the full length course. More FastTrack info.

Get started now. The SOAR FastTrack program can be on your computer's screen in two minutes.

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A twenty-minute private session and unlimited group counseling sessions are included.

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Which To Choose

If you are unsure which is best for you, please call me at 877 332-7359 so we can talk it over. You will feel better as soon as you decide to act.

We
are always here to help. As you go through the program, call or email whenever you
have a question or a concern.

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Patrick Discusses Maintenance

This week in his column, Patrick goes into maintenance issues, airline responsibility, and the FAA at this link.

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Asleep At The Controls?

According to news reports, the pilots of a Go Airlines flight flew past their destination because they were both asleep in the cockpit. As I have written in this newsletter again and again, fatigue is a problem which the FAA has intentionally failed to act on due to lobbying by airlines.

The federal regulations are woefully inadequate to protect pilots from extreme fatigue. Unions have been able to provide some protection for their pilots at the major airlines, but at non-union airlines - such as Go - the situation is out of control. At a union airline, even when a pilot cannot cancel a trip because of fatigue, the pilot can cancel trip for medical reasons in order to gain sufficient time away from flying to recover.

You may be interested in this article by Stacy Loe who first broke the story. The article quotes Ian Gregor, FAA Pacific Regional Spokesman as saying "We believe current work rule hours are sufficient and effective. It's really up to the pilots and the airline to make sure they are properly rested."

The National Transport Safety Board, which investigates accidents, has asked the FAA to modify its rules to take into consideration research findings in fatigue and sleep issues . On its Web site, the NTSB said the FAA's response on this issue has been unacceptable.