Chat Wednesday 9 PM - 11 PM Eastern Time
- Go to www.fearofflying.com/chat.shtml
- See a recent chat transcript (names changed to protect privacy)
Free Group Phone Counseling With Capt Tom Wednesday 10 PM - 11 PM Eastern Time
- dial (712) 432-3900
- when asked to enter the conference ID 9352101 followed by the # sign
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Cap'n Steve's Retirement Trip
Cap'n Steve just retired from American Airlines and posted the details of his career-completion trip on the message board. I think everyone who has any anxiety about flying should read it because it will give you a comprehensive understanding of how a real pro carries out an entire flight. See this link.
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Loneliness May Be Genetics
See article.
Research suggests that the degree of loneliness that any two people feel in a particular situation may vary widely, partly because of genetics. In fact, loneliness is half-inherited, half-environmental, says John Cacioppo, director of the University of Chicago's Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience.
"Loneliness we see to be much more like hunger, thirst and pain than a personality factor per se," Cacioppo told CNN. "It's something everybody has, everybody has the capacity to feel that way, and it serves to call attention to a real biological need."
Still, there's no way to tell how much of a particular person's loneliness is due to genetics, said Mark Leary, professor at Duke University who runs the psychology department's Self, Emotion and Behavior Lab.
Part of the explanation for loneliness is evolutionary, experts say. Humans would not survive in the wild alone -- imagine trying to fend off a wild beast with a stick by yourself -- so they feel a negative signal when they are disconnected from others, Cacioppo said.
Variation in loneliness among people also has an explanation in evolutionary biology. If everyone had a high sensitivity to loneliness, no one would go out and explore. But if everyone had a low sensitivity to social disconnection, no one would stay back, take care of others, and help those in need, even at personal expense.
As graduates of the SOAR program know, we control anxiety when flying by psychologically linking the things that happen during a flight with a moment with another person. When another person is tuned into you, and you feel that attunement, a hormone is triggered that shuts down the fear response. Were it not for this human need for connection - and the flow of hormones when there is connection - the way we treat fear of flying would not work. But fortunately, the way we are wired up, which is to connect with others, is something we can use to control high anxiety and panic when flying.
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Empathy -- What It Is, And Isn't
For an article on this, see this link.
New York psychologist Frank M. Lachmann, Ph.D., author of "Transforming Narcissism: Reflections on Empathy, Humor, and Expectations" points out some of the responses that might seem caring but fail to measure up as empathy. -- "It could be worse"; "You should do X"; "Let's talk about something else" -- appear to be kind and aimed at soothing. But no matter how well intentioned, Lachmann says, these remarks are a rejection, a denial, of what the other person is going through. "They are code for 'Don't confront me with things that are unpleasant,'" he says. "Or 'Don't bother me with your pain.'"
Lachmann points out that the final insult of being treated with a lack of empathy is that the hurt person usually can't complain. "If you say, 'That was such an unempathetic thing to say,' it can easily be heard as, 'Feel sorry for me.' And no one wants to be pathetic." So most people don't say anything, Lachmann says, and relationships "are often ruptured and ruined."
Sincerely,
SOAR was established in 1982 because no programs existed that could help people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.
When parents - even the most well-meaning parents - are not good at empathy, the child is in no position to complain. All the child knows is that something is missing. As a result, the relationship with the parent, as Lachmann says, is often ruptured and ruined. But -- and this is important -- many of us who have ruptured and ruined relationships with our parents still do not know that that is the case! We suffer the results: anxiety and depression, and have no understanding that it is due to failure in the relationship with our parents, which we don't even recognized as failed.
A client I have seen on and off for years without significant improvement, had a breakthrough when she recalled a moment when her mother asked her how could she possibly have such hatred for a family member. My client could do nothing, could say nothing. She knew she would not be believed if she told the truth: that this person has sexually molested her. The client put the breakdown of the relationship with her mother out of her mind. During the many intervening years, the client maintained -- and came to believe -- that everything was fine in her relationship with her mother. Depression and anxiety were not seen as having anything to do with the past. After the session in which the breakdown was recalled and dealt with, some symptoms of depression and anxiety lifted.
It is the breakdown of relationship with parents -- particularly when we don't even know the relationship is broken -- that leaves us wounded until the break is unearthed, re-experienced, and mourned.
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Some People Are Not Capable Of Empathy
From time to time, I have written in this newsletter about psychopaths. Good people doesn't understand that there are people who look like them, and act like them, who would just as soon kill you as look at you -- if it would get them something. If they could benefit from killing you, the sole reason for not doing so is that if might get them in trouble.
When you think of such people as the CEO of a corporation or top people who run government, it is quite a stretch for people who are not mental health professionals to recognize that corporate life and political life is where psychopaths thrive. (Think: "Bonfire Of The Vanities".) To non-professionals, it just doesn't seem possible that a person in such a high position could really be that bad.
But wait. Psychopaths aren't bad. They do things normal people call "bad" because they do not connect empathically. They feel no pain if their actions -- a little war here, a little war there, a little cutting costs here, a little cutting costs there that causes a few hundred (or a few hundred-thousand) deaths. They just don't feel for other people.
What is it psychopaths are missing that the rest of us have? Many neurological researchers now believe most humans -- humans who are not psychopaths -- have "mirror neurons" which cause us to feel what another person is feeling. See this link.
The subject of political psychopaths has been in the news recently due to the governor of Illinois doing what many other politicians do in a less blatant way. Suddenly hosts of psychopaths are calling him a psychopath. (What better over for a psychopath than righteous indignation at the behavior of another psychopath!) In addition, a top financial adviser, past president of the NASDAQ stock exchange, was revealed to have conned people -- including people who were his closest friends -- out of fifty-billion dollars.
This led Dick Cavett to write about his discussion of psychopaths with an expert, Dr. Willard Gaylin. Gaylin explained that treating a psychopath is a complex and difficult. Other experts believe the disorder cannot be treated at all.
Among the prominent traits of one so afflicted is the absence of any sense of guilt or shame, even after being caught, though they may pretend to have shame if it helps them escape punishment. Empathy is unknown. The truth may be told, but only when it serves the purposes of the teller -- never for its own sake. Gaylin told Cavett that psychopaths are not always obvious misfits, as evidenced by their being found, for example, running major institutions.
And this brings us to the question of flight safety. It is easy for good people to believe that no manager would cause a plane to be flown which was not airworthy. Think again. There are people running companies of all kinds who, if they believe they can get away with it, will risk your life if it benefits them, and they can't be held responsable. After all, do tobacco companies not exist on that basis?
It isn't easy to protect yourself against corporate psychopaths. It helps to read the labels on the foods you buy. When it comes to flying, it is easy to protect yourself. Your best protection is a pilot who, by being backed by a union, can take a stand on a safety-related issue without the psychopaths running the corporation firing him or her.
To make things simple, there are only two airlines in the U.S. which do not have a union to provide pilots the protection they need to act on your behalf: JetBlue and Allegiant.
And when you drive, watch out of Hummers. If their owners had any social conscience at all they wouldn't be driving them.
Cavett's op ed piece on this is at this link.
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A "Practice" Flight Before Tackling Europe
Hi Capt. Tom - Just wanted to let you know that my practice flights to New Hampshire and back on Friday, November 21 went very well. My anxiety level days before the flights were fairly high, but each step of the way as we approached actually gettting on the plane they seemed to lessen - riding to the airport, waiting to board, etc.
By the time we were walking onto the plane I was confident that I would be fine - and I was. Since my goal is to fly to Europe in the spring my plan now is to take a break from all the flying prep for a bit and as we begin to make plans for our flight in the spring to review the course and exercises again. I'll be calling you at that point to use the rest of my counseling session.
Thanks so much for all your help - I am positive I would not have stepped foot on that plane - my first flight since 1992 - without you and SOAR.
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Tackling Europe: "I Feel Like A Whole New World Has Been Opened To Me."
Captain Tom,
Greetings from Germany! I never, ever thought I would be in Europe, and yet here I am.
My flight out here went really well, aside for some anxiety before I got on the plane. I found my seat, which I didn't get to select, and it was the very middle of the plane (configured 2-3-2). I always have to sit by the window, but I figured there was nothing I could do, so I just settled in.
Take off, normally my least favorite part, was excellent. Peaceful, smooth, I was a 1 or 2 on the anxiety scale. 3 movies, 1 magazine, 2 meals, and 1/2 a book later, I landed in Germany, ready to begin my whirlwind tour of Europe.
I am so thankful to you for your program. I would not have been able to do this without the skills I learned through your program. I feel like a whole new world has been opened to me. If I can fly here, I can fly anywhere! Thank you again. I am forever grateful.
Sincerely,
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Call So I Can Help You Understand Why SOAR Will Work For You
SOAR was established in 1982 because no programs existed that could help people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.
- Call me at 877 332-7359 between 10 AM and 6 PM Eastern time or
- Set up a time online at http://soar.genbook.com
- No Charge. No Obligation. Just get the information you want.
Or Enroll Right Now And Get This Over With
You will feel better as soon as you make the decision.
You will feel better as soon as you make the decision.
- The full length SOAR Video Course on 11 DVDs provides the maximum help possible.
- More info.
- Accelerated courses give you the most help possible in the time you have available.
- A twenty-minute private session and unlimited group counseling sessions are included.
- What you pay is 100% transferable to the SOAR Video Course 11 DVDs.
Start viewing on your computer screen in two minutes.
- Get a compact version of the SOAR Course.
- Load it on your laptop, iPod or other media player. More info.
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Unsure Which To Choose
If you are unsure which is best for you, please call me at 877 332-7359 so we can talk it over. You will feel better as soon as you decide to act.
We are always here to help. As you go through the program, call or email whenever you have a question or a concern.
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Discuss Or Schedule An Individual Session -- Call 877 332-7359
Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)
You'll reach me easily. The toll-free number rings my cell phone.
Call between 11 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time (same time zone as New York)
You'll reach me easily. The toll-free number rings my cell phone.
- find out how I can help you with flying
- discuss the possibility of a counseling session
- set up a time that fits your schedule
Outside the U.S. and Canada call 203 258-4803
- a twenty-minute session is $60.00 if not enrolled in a course.
- one twenty-minute session is free if enrolled in any course.
- additional twenty-minute sessions are $60.00.
- two one-hour sessions are included in the SOAR Guaranteed Program
Schedule An Individual Session Online
Note: Times Listed Are Eastern Time (same as New York)
