Flight Attendants' Complaints
With crowded planes, pay cuts, and long days, flight attendants are not without reason to snarl. Please be kind to your flight attendant. Try not to snarl back.
To see article click here.
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Security Blankets
Often I get emails from a mother who says her child is anxious, but that -- since they have a very strong relationship with their child -- the child's fears must be caused by something other than a problem in the mother-child relationship.
A strong-looking relationship may not be a psychologically strong relationship. When a child wants to be with the mother all, or almost all, the time, it usually means the child is not secure, is not learning to regulate feelings very well, and depends on the mother's presence to feel better.
When we don't have automatic ways built-in to minimize anxiety, we become a bit like Linus with his security blanket. But instead of one, we have three or more security blankets.
The first security blanket is the presence of people whose presence is calming. When we need the presence of another person most of the time, we may be using them as a security blanket. If our early relationships with people whose presence was calming was consistent enough, we would have been able to build their calming effect in. With calming built-in, we can spend time alone without feeling anxious and we can try challenging things without feeling anxious though alone.
A psychologically strong parent-child relationship depends upon a mother who remains calm when the child becomes upset, who is reliably present, and who is able to tune in the feelings of the child.
This can be a tricky area. It is quite possible for a mother who believes she is tuning into the child's feelings while she is really tuning into her own, and mistaking her feelings for the child's. It is smart to tell the child what you believe they are feeling and ask the child to tell you if you are right or not.
The second security blanket is the earth, as a sort of substitute for the presence of those people. Since our experiences with them have been on the earth, the earth -- itself -- is strongly associated with their presence. The third security blanket could be called "security blanket 2-b. Why? Because it is still the earth, but in a less than idea form. It is being able to see the earth even though we can't touch it. So we may be able to tolerate being in the air so long as the earth is in sight. Though it is clearly second best, it is still of some benefit, and when we cannot see the earth, its calming effect is totally lost. Then a fourth security blanket -- perhaps the most important one -- is control.
Being in the air and unable to see the ground removes all the security blankets that help us maintain some ability to calm ourselves, that help to make the limited resources we have inside a bit stronger.
Another security blanket is being able to leave when you have had enough. Rule that one out when flying. That is, of course, why some simply rule out flying.
Yet another security blanket is to worry. Worry is actually an attempt to control. I got a fascinating email saying: "I had thought of all the worse scenarios in order to protect myself from what "might" happen." That's a great insight. It points to worry as a means of control to deal with anxiety.
Paradoxically, this attempt at control ends up increasing the anxiety. How? The more we make the image of what "might" happen real in the mind, the more that image causes anxiety.
Having a soothing presence built inside is far more helpful than having a soothing presence outside. Once the child builds in the mother's soothing presence, that soothing presence is "portable". It lets the child have freedom of movement; the child is not tied to the mother as if by an umbilical cord which can only stretch so far.
But there is a more important reason. A soothing presence inside stops anxiety before it can start. A soothing presence outside can only -- at best -- reduce anxiety which is underway. A soothing presence inside prevents the release of stress hormones. A soothing presence outside can only reassure the child that -- in spite of the feelings caused by the stress hormones -- everything is OK.
If we get enough soothing built in during childhood, we are very fortunate indeed. For those of us who didn't, it's not too late. We can build it in now. And quickly.
Instead of reading the rest of this newsletter, why not go ahead and get the job done? Start now by clicking here.
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No Flying For Eight Years -- Now Back From China
Tom,
I had stopped flying in 1999 due to intense anxiety when I thought about plane flight. I was especially frightened by turbulence and my fear of being afraid was too powerful to allow me to get back on a plane.
After watching your DVDs I realized the only thing I was afraid of was being afraid and out of control. Your explanations about the inner workings of an airplane and its safety somehow allowed me to overcome my fear.
It was important for business reasons for me to fly to Beijing China from Newark NJ, a 13.5 hour flight. After 8 years of not flying, I was able to take this flight with almost no fear. When turbulence came I watched the glass of water as you suggested and my small amount of fear subsided.
Once again thanks. I would recommend this course to anyone.
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Group Support Or Real Change -- Of Both
Getting into a fear of flying group may look like a good thing There is a reason why it looks good. We are genetically encoded to draw strength through empathic connection. It feels good when we find other people share the same feelings about flying. But it doesn't produce change. Why? It doesn't change the unconscious procedural memory that causes the problem.
To play championship golf, you need to "install" a correct and consistent golf swing into your unconscious procedural memory. It has to be so solidly installed that it works even under the stress of a golf match where fame and fortune are on the line.
To fly without the distress of high anxiety and threat of panic, you need to "install" a change in your unconscious procedural memory. And, it has to be -- like golf -- so solidly in place that it will work completely automatically through every phase of flight.
What we found out years ago when trying to use CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) techniques was that -- though some people could remember the technique when about to panic -- many people simply didn't even remember they had been taught any way to intervene and stop the panic.
That led us to the realization that to stop high anxiety and panic, it had to be stopped automatically. Whatever would stop the problem had to work even if the person didn't have any conscious recall of it!!!
It took us ten years of experience with thousands of clients to even begin to be able to provide the automatic protection that is essential, and another ten years to perfect it.
For truly effective help, there really is no other place to get it, except for very mild problems with flying; if that is the case, the things that everyone was doing back in 1975 will help.
But if you have panic attacks, or trouble with elevators, or bridges, or tunnels, or claustrophobia, that won't work, and all the group interaction in the world isn't going to change it.
Instead of just sharing in a group where there is empathic connection, we "install" the benefit of that INSIDE you. That means you can fly without your group.
Even if you could always fly with your group, or even if you could always fly with me, the BEST that could happen is "a day late and a dollar short". That is, AFTER you have a shot of stress hormones hit you due to a thought or feeling, then a group member (or I) could say, "That's OK, that is just the noise the flap motor makes."
Still, you are left with the stress hormones. Still you remain in an agitated state, and while in the agitated state, something else will happen. That will rev you up even more, and then -- "two days late and two dollars short" -- someone tells you that also is OK. And then something else happens, etc., etc.
"Prevention is better than Intervention."
What I described just now is intervention; trying to stop something that has already gotten out of control.
What we do in the SOAR program is keep things from even starting. Our clients just get on the plane, and -- to their amazement -- don't have the same feelings. Why? Because we have made the changes at an UNCONSCIOUS level; we have changed the "software"; the unconscious procedural memory, the step-by-step process that runs in a fraction of a second to cause high anxiety and panic is revised.
There is a second thing to consider. When the ability to regulate emotions is not quite as good as it needs to be, we all make up for it by trying to control things.
Since effective treatment IS available, when a person prefers to develop their own "treatment" rather than accept effective treatment, it is a demonstration of this need to be in control working against your best interest.
I once knew a famous therapist in New York who developed chronic fatigue. As a child, terrible things had happened to her; her mother went insane, could not care for her, and she spent many days of her childhood riding on top of laundry in her fathers laundry delivery truck. She was brilliant, and had unusual abilities in art. She says art saved her life, as she occupied herself drawing.
With such a childhood, the ability to regulate emotions naturally was missing to some degree. And, to make up for it, she turned to control, control, control. And, being so intelligent and talented, she was successful.
So, when she developed chronic fatigue, she treated herself. She was sure that she knew more than anyone. She had studied natural hygiene. She had taught courses on special diets. She went around the country lecturing. For almost three years, she treated herself. In her special "cleansing", the would go to a spa and eat nothing but watermelon for weeks. She was sure that what she called "clean fuel" was the answer. She persisted.
Finally, she -- almost unable to function -- consulted a specialist and was told that the cause of her fatigue was a microorganism which flourishes on sugar. Her watermelon regimen -- instead of curing her -- was killing her. After a very short time on an all-protein diet, she recovered. Though it was a lesson, it didn't alter her need to be in control.
A second point to consider is, trying to develop ones own therapy may be -- like the watermelon diet -- the exact opposite of what you need.
In other words, the strategy to use control (of things outside)to make up for a fuller ability to regulate emotions (through proper processes inside) may be at play. Try giving up control, and submitting to treatment that you are not in charge of.
Real change is a great thing. You can have that through SOAR and get group support as well by joining us on Wednesday for the chat and for the group phone counseling session.
Our regular chat is at 9 PM Eastern time. Phone counseling starts at 10 PM.
There is an additional chat at 2 PM Eastern time. Additional phone counseling session at 2:30 PM Eastern time. More info at the bottom of this email.
To join in, just go to www.fearofflying.com/chat.shtml.
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An Example of Real Change
Hello Captain Tom!
I just wanted to add another success story!
The last flight I had was June of last year and I had a panic attack the whole flight. I was so anxious to get back on a plane after that that I would get anxiety every time I would hear a plane fly by.
After purchasing the Control of Anxiety and At the Airport and joining the chat on Wednesdays I felt less anxiety but I was still nervous about flying again. Well, July 15th I flew to Costa Rica and the anticipatory anxiety was a lot worse than the actual flight. We had to wait over an hour on the runway before takeoff because of bad weather and when I took the "meet the captain" letter they let me meet him but he was very rude. There was a passenger who wanted to change seats and one of the flight attendants told him no and he kind of got upset at her so she told the captain and the captain walked all the way to the back of the plane and told him very loud that if he didn't like his seat he could get off the plane.
There was a lot of turbulence the whole flight and the landing was the roughest I've ever experienced. Ironically enough I felt zero anxiety the whole flight. I was amazed!
With the hour wait in the plane, the rude captain, the turbulence, and rough landing I thought for sure I would have panicked but I felt no anxiety at all. And on the flight home I had hardly any anticipatory anxiety and absolutely no anxiety the whole flight. I feel so empowered after that flight. I feel like I can fly anywhere now!
Thank you for helping me overcome my fear of flying!
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If You Want "Take Me Along" For Your Flight . . .
Click here for the MP4 for the video iPod (or other MP4 player). $65.00
Click here for the DVD for your laptop and your television set. $65.00
Click here for the MP3 for the audio only iPod (or other MP3 player). $30.00
Get All Three For $85.00
- Why should you get all three?
- You need the MP4 disk to load the files into your video iPod (or other MP4 player).
- You need the DVD disk to play on your laptop or your television.
- You need the CD to play on your car radio or to load the files into your audio only iPod (or other MP3 player)
For those reasons, you need -- or will need as some point -- all three disks. To make sure you have everything you need, we are offering all three disks at a special package price.
Click here for all three at $85.00.
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Everything Worked Again!
Hi Capt. Tom,
Well, I came home today, and guess what? Everything worked again! In spite of the fact that I had been too busy to practice the exercises during my trip.
I wasn't remotely nervous, until I was on line just before boarding, and even then it was just a little bit. So I did the strengthening exercise a couple of times and felt mostly OK again.
Then I boarded the plane and immediately asked to see the captain, just like a charm, I felt 100% fine the moment I met him. He was so friendly and calm and professional and invited me into the cockpit ( my first time for that, the other pilot in New York I met in the boarding lounge) he introduced me to the copilot and we chatted for a while. I showed them your letter and they had heard of you. He gave me a little talk about the plane and concluded with " there's just really so little that could go wrong with these planes". And he told me to say hi again when we landed which I did.
Had another smooth flight, when there was minor turbulence I would just think of the jello thing, and I never really got remotely upset. In fact, I did something I hadn't done on a plane in years, I slept!
The only time I got a little anxious for a while, was when we were close to New York, we got put into a holding pattern because there have been thunderstorms here all day, and they were waiting for them to clear out for us to land. Of course , since I was in a 767 we were way above the storms, but I did have to think about it, and it took us an extra hour. However I just kept visualizing the captain and copilot since I met, them, and so when they made announcements about the delays, I felt fine about things.
Anyway, thanks again. I will continue to review the lessons, to really fine tune this for my next flight, whenever that might be. I will also come to the chat on Wednesday and tell everyone about my great experience with the course.
Take care!
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New York SOAR-FEST
The New York SOAR-FEST will again be at le Zie, a Venetian Trattoria located in the heart of the Chelsea district of Manhattan.
You don't have to be in the SOAR program. It is an opportunity for anyone interested in flight anxiety problems and solutions to get together for dinner.
Meet other people who feel the same as you do about flying, and to find what great, imaginative, and intelligent people they are (just like you, right?).
Dinner is at 7:00 PM. If you can, meet us at the bar at any time between 5:30 PM and 7:00 PM.
At le Zie, we will have a really private dining room upstairs, separate from the main part of the restaurant.
The price: $62.50 total per person (includes service and taxes), a bit more than last year so as to include wine.
The room accommodates 24 people comfortably at one large table. If this is important to you, please reserve now to avoid missing out, as the space is limited.
The Menu
- Appetizer:
- Mesclun Salad with Lemon and Extra Virgin Olive Oil or
- Tricolor Salad with Sauteed Shitake and Apple Wood Smoked Bacon, White Wine Vinegar Dressing and Shaved Ricotta.
- Homemade Tortelli filled with Ricotta and Spinach with Asparagus, Butter and Sage
- Linguini with Clams, Garlic and Olive Oil
- Baked Salmon with Horseradish Crust with Sauteed Spinach
- Chicken Porchetta roasted with Rosemary, Oregano, and Fennel Seeds, served with Mashed Potatoes
- Tiramisu or
- Panna Cotta with Fresh Strawberry
- choice of:
Entree:
- choice of:
Desert
- choice of:
Coffee or Selection of Teas
Red or White Wine
Cancellation: if you need to cancel, please call me (877) 332-7359 at least by Tuesday October 2nd. Cancellations after Tuesday can not be refunded unless we are able to find someone to take your place.
There are several parking garages in the area. Free parking on the side streets is usually available after 6:00 PM. Please read the parking signs carefully.
How To Sign Up For The New York SOAR-FEST
Just go to: click here.
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Where To Stay In New York
If you don't find a hotel you like at a reasonable price, try a "bed and breakfast". For a link to a bed and breakfast referral service Click here,
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If You Would Like Flying To No Longer Be An Issue For You
Start With SOAR Fast Track
- The SOAR Fast Track program can be on your computer's screen in two minutes.
- Fast Track is inexpensive.
- Fast Track gives you the most help possible in the shortest time.
Get relief now. You will feel better as soon as you get started by clicking here.
All it takes is some preparation.
As you go through the program, whenever you have a question or a concern, please call me so we can talk it over.
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Wednesday Night Conference Call On Flight Anxiety
- 9:00 PM until 10:00 PM Eastern time
Join our regular 'chat' (where we type what we want to say).
10:00 PM until 11:00 PM Eastern time
Join in by phone on a conference call dealing with flight anxiety.
Instead of typing, we can just talk.
- Listen in to the discussion.
- Take part in the discussion.
- It's your choice.
Want to know more about:
- How flying works
- Turbulence, and why it is not a threat
- Controlling anxiety, panic and claustrophobia
We'll talk about this and more every Wednesday night
- Eastern Time: 10 PM until 11 PM
- Central Time: 9 PM until 10 PM
- Mountain Time: 8 PM until 9 PM
- Pacific Time: 7 PM until 8 PM
As simple as 1, 2, 3.
- 1. Dial 1-641-594-7500
- 2. You will hear, 'Thank you for calling the Conference Center.'
- 3. When asked, enter this pin code: 681956 followed by #
For Your Convenience The Following Info Is Also Displayed Where You Enter The Chat At:
http://www.fearofflying.com/chat.shtml
The Additional Chat Is At 2 PM New York Time
- Which Is:
- 7 PM in Dublin, Lisbon, London,
- 8 PM in Cairo, Cape Town, Paris, Prague,
- 9 PM in Athens, Beirut, Jerusalem, Nairobi
- 10:30 in Kabul
- 11:30 in New Delhi
- 1 PM in Chicago
- 12 Noon in Denver
- 11 AM in Los Angeles
Chat will be for thirty minutes
The Additional Group Counseling Conference Call Is At 2:30 PM New York time
- Which Is:
- 7:30 PM in Dublin, Lisbon, London,
- 8:30 PM in Cairo, Cape Town, Paris, Prague,
- 9:30 PM in Athens, Beirut, Jerusalem, Nairobi
- 11:00 in Kabul
- 12:00 midnight in New Delhi
- 1:30 PM in Chicago
- 12:30 PM in Denver
- 11:30 AM in Los Angeles
To join the Group Call:
1. dial the country code for the U.S. which is: 00-1
2. followed by the area code and number in the US which is: 641-594-7500
3. when asked, enter 'pin code': 681956 followed by the # sign
Depending upon participation, we will decide whether to continue on following Wednesdays, or not.