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Last Week I Wrote About When Ones Self Comes Apart



It later occurred to me that there are additional ways to understand our need for built-in psychological connection that links action we take - or want to take - with supportive other people.



To understand how important links are, consider the physical connection between mountain climbers. Climbers link themselves together by rope. Before one climber moves, the others on the rope secure themselves to the mountain so they can support the climber who is moving in case of a slip or a fall.



Not just mountain climbing, but everything we do involves some risk. Some things involve physical risk. Some involve financial risk. Or, there may be only emotional risk, such as risk of failure, ridicule, shame or guilt. In a moment, we will see that - if we grew up in an emotionally unhealthy family - almost every action we take in our best interest will produce anxiety, or even panic.



We all understand external support. What we don't so easily understand is internal support. Internal support - support that is solidly built in - can be more important that external support. Though external support has to be arranged, built-in support is always there. Though external support involves logistics, built-in support is transportable.



Secure Attachment



In an emotionally healthy family, there is support when a family member takes action which is in his or her best interest, even if it means physical separation from the family. The links which connect family members are built-in. When family members are linked internally, external links are less important. This means physical presence - though desired - is not essential. Family members can go anyplace, or be anyplace without causing emotional upheaval in the family, because the psychological connections built inside remain no matter where the family members go.



Insecure Attachment



In an unhealthy family, some (if not all) of the members do not have adequate built-in links with others in the family. Since links are physical, physical presence is necessary for emotional regulation and to prevent feelings of abandonment. The family attempts to prevent any member from taking action which means physical separation from the family, regardless of whether that action is in the member's best interest or not.



Though the umbilical cord between the mother and the infant was
cut, it was replaced by an emotional umbilical cord between the
child and the parent. Though all links are important, parent-child links need to be psychologically supporting, not physically limiting.



I
have long thought of anxiety disorders in this way. It is as if there
is an umbilical cord connecting the person with home base (or people at
home base), and whenever the person ventures away from home base,  the
umbilical cord becomes stretched. If the person ventures too far from home base, the umbilical cord threatens to break. That threat results in panic!



This is because, in an unhealthy family, family members are emotionally dependent upon the physical presence of others. Though this may look like love, and though this may be called love, it may not be love at all. Examine it for yourself. Does the family member who is resisting your doing what is in your best interest care about your best interest? Does this person know or care about your inner experience (or even know your inner experience exists)? Is this person reliably interested in your feelings, and your goals?



Miscellaneous Points While While Discussing Family Relationships



Sexuality. In the emotionally unhealthy family, sexual activity may remain taboo for the single adults in the family, since links of a sexual nature can be powerful, and since they are - hopefully - with a person outside the family, sexual links can draw a member away from the family.



Devotion. A family member can point to his or her devotion. Devotion can, of course, be genuine, but devotion can be the case because the person does not have the emotional horsepower to live their own life, and that attaches himself or herself to someone.



Differences. Not every child in a family is called upon to be the one who stabilizes a parent. A parent may need to emotionally cripple only one child if one child is sufficient to service the parent's emotional needs.



The unhealthy family maintains emotional dependence. If a family member (upon whom another family member is dependent) wants to move away for a better job, get more education, or get married, an unhealthy family is likely to engage in sabotage. When a family member tries to go ahead to do what is in his or her best interest, anxiety - perhaps panic - develops.



When a family characteristically stands in the way of a family member's acting in his or her best interest, the family member may develop what some call abandonment depression. Abandonment depression is a lonely experience. It feels like no one understands. Typically, others tell you you have no reason to feel what you feel.



If this is how you feel, or felt, in your family, find a therapist to talk it over with.



How does this play out in fear of flying?



Fear of flying develops in what may look like a healthy family. But if one looks closer with an expert eye, in almost every case, things are not as they seem.



When one has grown up in a family that does not support its members in doing what is in their best interest, the simple act of making a decision causes anxiety. Asking for support - emotional or physical - can cause anxiety, or rejection.

 


A person who has grown up in a healthy family will have no difficulty making a decision about taking a flight. The needed internal support is there because, over the years, the family has supported each member - emotionally - in making and following through with mature decisions.



The opposite is true when one has grown up in an unhealthy family. There is limited internal support, because over the years, the family has not supported mature decisions when physical separation is involved.



An example



Years ago, I was working with a singer in a popular group with plans to go on tour in Europe. The singer's mother had said to her, "What will I do if you are in Europe and I have a heart attack?"



In an unhealthy family, having empathy for family members who cling and promote dependency is a problem. Failure to have empathy for a family member, such as the mother who wanted to hold her daughter - the singer - physically close, can make us look inhuman. When you begin to question your own humanity, examine the quality and quantity of that person's interest in you, your feelings, and your goals.



The upside-down family



Family therapists have pointed out that unhealthy families operate in an upside-down fashion. Instead of taking care of the emotional needs of the children, the parents use the children for their own emotional needs. In an unhealthy family, the parents behave like dependent children, sabotage independence, and seek ways to keep the children dependent.



In short, the parents never emotionally grew up. The parents try to get the children to parent them emotionally. They don't hesitate to use empathy to control the children, just as a con artist uses empathy to fleece unsuspecting victims of a ruse.



Abandonment depression can feel like a huge hole inside. Parents with abandonment depression typically use their children to fill that hole. And, since the children are used to keep the parents from feeling empty, the children do not get their emotional needs met, do not learn to deal with feelings, and do not fully mature. At least, not without therapy -- usually, long term  therapy.



A book I recommend on this subject is "Search for the Real Self" by James Masterson M.D.,



Emotional abandonment leads to coming apart



Thus, this whole issue of coming apart is an issue involving abandonment. When we have been emotionally abandoned - or even close to emotionally abandoned - we don't have enough built in. When we try to do what is in our own best interest, we tend to come apart. What is in our own best interest may stretch the umbilical cord to the breaking point.



And, since we come from families which don't provide built-in support for mature behavior, we may not have the built-in resources for steps that involve grown-up behavior, such as getting on an airplane, or even making a decision about getting on an airplane.



We were emotionally abandoned if we do not have built in resources



We can love our parents all we want to. But the fact remains. If we do not have built-in resources to make decisions which are in our best interest and then carry them out without high anxiety and panic, we were subjected to emotional abandonment. As children, our need to establish built-in resources was not met.



This points us right back to why the Strengthening Exercise prevents panic. When coming apart is prevented, flying becomes OK. The Strengthening Exercise keeps us from coming apart by building in psychological connections that carry us when physical connections are not possible. We establish a link between each moment of the flight with a moment in which we experienced a good connection with another person.



Does it help in other areas of life and not just flying?



Yes, it does. We can control high anxiety and panic when flying with the Strengthening Exercise, and many people find that what they learn in the SOAR Program is helpful in others areas, particularly in other anxiety-producing situations. But what has developed in ones family over years needs to be addressed over months, if not years, in therapy with a qualified therapist.



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Fine Tuning The Strengthening Exercise



Someone wrote saying she even freaks out just thinking about standing in line for boarding. The answer: use the Strengthening Exercise. Imagine a cartoon character standing in line and, over the cartoon character's head is a "balloon" in which there is a drawing of what the cartoon character is imagining, perhaps the plane plunging.



This is important in several ways. First, the ability to keep TWO things in mind at once:

• 1. In line with everything fine, and 
  
  


• 2. Picturing disaster.
  
  

It is vitally important to keep BOTH in mind. Why? Because if a person
starts out picturing both, and then slips into picturing just the 
disaster, the reality (that the person is just standing in line) can
disappear.  The mind can cause stress hormones to be released. Feelings
(caused by  the fight or flight response) develop. These are the same
feelings a person gets in real danger; that causes the picturing of
disaster to completely take over. Now, with disaster so real, it
becomes to seem that it might be an omen.



If a dog chases its tail, it is not an omen. A dog chases its tail because the dog doesn't realize it is causing the tail to be there and to keep running away. And this is just the same thing. When you are in line, you experience standing in line WHILE at the same time IMAGINING disaster, and if you lose the ability to keep both in mind, disaster can take over. Or, of course -- and this is what most people do -- they let reality take over, and the image of disaster simply vanishes.



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Imagination Is Imagination Is Imagination



In other words, "A rose is a rose is a rose, but imagination isn't."



It is very important to keep remembering that imagination is imagination -- period. Imagination is not reality. Imagination does not equal omen. Feeling (because is it CAUSED by imagination) does not mean omen. Fear (because is it CAUSED by imagination) does not mean danger.



For a person who is anxious, imagination equals reality. And sure, you could say, "Well maybe it will be reality." Right. MAYBE.



Can we keep it in mind that your imagined maybe happens in reality just once in five million flights, and if we stay home, something MAYBE will happen to us anyway. According to stats, something happening if we stay home is more likely than while we are on the plane.



Two minutes in a car is equal in risk to a flight of any length from thirty minutes to sixteen hours.



So MAYBE we should forget MAYBE.



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Fix The Flying Problem Now



Get started with the program that works. SOAR
was established in 1982 because no programs existed which could help
people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other
program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No
matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.

Get started now. The SOAR Fast Track program can be on your computer's screen in two minutes.

• Fast Track is inexpensive.
  


• Fast Track gives you the most help possible in the shortest time.
  


• A twenty-minute private session and unlimited group counseling sessions are included.
  
  


• What you pay for Fast Track is 100% transferable to the complete SOAR Course DVD or CD.

Getting started may be difficult, but you will feel better as soon as you do by clicking here.

We
are always here to help. As you go through the program, whenever you
have a question or a concern, please call me so we can talk it over.

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Times Article: Does Low Cost Mean High Risk?



To read this generally good article click here.



The New York Times also published my comments on his article which you can read by clicking here.



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