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When Ones Self Comes Apart



When we fly, what is it that causes the trouble? Simple. Our sense of self comes apart. When it does, we go into near-panic, panic, or even terror. Whether on a plane or on the ground, coming apart feels like doom or like death. Depending upon the degree, we can't think in a balanced way, or we can't think at all.




Why do we come apart?



We come apart because we do not have enough inside to hold our sense of self together. Freud said it has to do with loss. He listed three versions:

• loss of love of an important person in our life


• loss of an important person in our life


• loss of ability to function

The first two have to do with being terribly alone. The third one probably implies being alone and then adds inability to function to being alone. In any case, we feel along, lost and hopeless. We see no options.



These
feelings may too intense for us to experience while SIMULTANEOUSLY
maintaining a sense of self. It is as if there isn't enough glue to keep the self together.




What constitutes "glue" anyway?



The "glue" is relational, and it is conceptual. It is our collection of memories of moments in which there was empathy, understanding, and a feeling of connection.



How does this "glue" hold us together?



The "us" we are talking about is the concept we have of who we are and what we are. This concept is informed by how people relate to us. Relationship has a way of telling us about ourselves. Empathy tells us another person shares what we are feeling. Understanding tells us another person shares what we are thinking. It tells us that, in their eyes, we are valuable.



"Glue" is knowing that a connection is available with another person so that what you are thinking and feeling can be shared with another person. It is being able to count on that.




Then what is "anti-glue"?



"Anti-glue" involves absence of relationship. Certain emotions can flood in, and dissolve the "glue" that holds us together. Psychiatrist James Masterson lists six emotions of this type:

• depression


• anger and rage


• fear and terror


• guilt and shame


• passivity and helplessness


• emptiness and void
  
  

Think of being alone, or think of being with others who seem to have little or no reality that thoughts and feelings go on inside you. Or, if they do know your feelings, they don't care. This means you don't count; you are not valuable. You are, instead, disposable.




We develop a sense of self through interaction with other people.



To develop a well-glued sense of self, good interactions with others is key. The people we interact with during formative years must - themselves - have a sense of self. They must interact with us in a way that recognizes each of us as a separate people, but it is separateness that can be bridged.



That may sound simple, but in many families, the parents do not fully realize their children have minds of their own. Or, if they do sense their children have minds of their own, the parents may regard that as a problem, and attempt to control the children's minds.



We maintain a sense of self by maintaining orientation and relationship.



We maintain orientation - physically - by keeping track of where we are. It is as if we have a GPS (global positioning system) built inside. We have a mental map of where we on that mental map. If we are in a house, we have a mental floor plan of the house. We know where we are on  that map and which way to go to get from one room to another.



We maintain orientation - psychologically - by keeping track of time. We have a sort of internal clock, and we can update it by noticing the quality of daylight, versus darkness. Or, we can check the time on a watch or clock.



When we are with other people, we sense the relationship. But when alone, we maintain a sense of relationship between the concept of who we are, and the concept of who others (who are important to us) are. Just as we need a floor plan of the house we are in, and where we are in it, we need a concept of people who are important to us and where we fit in with them.



Secure Attachment



A sense of the people who are important to us is maintained within ones mind. We sense consistent support of us when we are engaged in what is in our best interest.



Insecure Attachment



A sense of the people who are important to us is either not maintained mentally, or we do not sense consistent support for what is in our best interest.



Here is where it gets a bit tricky. In our families, it is often the case that the people we rely on
to strengthen us are the same people who undermine us. All in all, this
means that most of us do not have the psychological resources we need. We
try to make up for this in various ways. We try to find relationships which
give us additional strength; but often these -- like the ones we had in
our early development -- both strengthen and undermine.



All it takes for us to come apart is for a person who is important to us to say - or do - something reminiscent of what was said - or done - years ago which back then undermined us. When that happens, the person in the present and the person in the past form a unit. We generally do not recognize this uniting of the two, and the person in the present takes on whatever emotional baggage we have with the person from  the past. The revenge we wanted to take as children, but couldn't because we were dependent, wells up, and we are tempted to take it now, in spades to make up for the delay!



To head off coming apart: control, escape, avoidance



When we do not have enough inside (in the form of glue) and outside (in the form of active support) to help us stay on track doing what is in our best interest, we need some way to compensate. We compensate in various ways. Three important ways are:

• control: control of situations we are in and people we relate to
  
  


• escape: maintaining a way out if things get difficult
  
  


• avoidance: reducing the challenges we face.
  
  

Some of us make sure situations and people stay within our control. And, if things still get out of control, we want to be able to distance ourselves or to escape.
If we can't adequately do this in the world at large, we may decide to
stay home. We term being housebound by fear and anxiety, agoraphobia.



To grow a healthy sense of ones self, a sense of ones self that will stand up to the challenges of living (flying being just one), we need to be able to SIMULTANEOUSLY experience what is going on AND a sense of self.



That sounds simple, but many people fail to do that. When experience gets too big, too intense, it overwhelms their sense of self.



When flying, anxiety may becomes intense. Feelings take over. All that is experienced is the feelings; our orientation is lost; our sense of relatedness to others is lost, and self is threatened with being overwhelmed.



Let's go back to the beginning; our sense of self develops through good interaction with others which is built inside so it is always available to us as a source of strength.



In SOAR, we add strength by finding a moment in which there was a good interaction with another person, a moment in which you and another person indeed felt a sense of empathic communication. That moment is relived as if it is happening now, and then, we recall (just for a moment) a flight situation and instantly shift our focus fully back to the moment of connectedness.



What does this do? It makes you stronger. It helps you maintain a sense of your self when challenged by intense feelings.



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This Week's Hopefully Inspiring Email



Note: to get automatic protection from anxiety, we use the Strengthening Exercise to protect us. It works at an unconscious level. It protects us from anxiety about whatever thoughts or images we include in the Exercise. The writer of this week's email was thrown by something I didn't think to include in the Strengthening Exercise list.



Once panic hits, we lose our ability to think clearly. Instantly, there seems to be proof that we are doomed. This email may give you some ideas of things you should add to in your Strengthening Exercise practice. But this email also demonstrates that, even after panic hits, it is possible to recover.



Tom,



I just returned from a week in Europe and the flights were practically a nonevent for me. (relatively speaking). But the day we were scheduled to leave, my husband and sons were talking and he used that moment to tell them where our wills were! I totally freaked out. I was sure this was an omen and we were going to crash and on and on I went. But when I started that I sat down to do the strengthening exercise. I really didn't need to continue for too long before I started feeling normal again.

 

By the time we were ready to leave the house it felt as though I was going to catch a bus. And during the drive to JFK I took a nap. I waited for the sweaty palms, tears, constant running to the bathroom, etc. etc., but nothing happened. And when we boarded the plane I calmly asked the flight attendant to deliver the letter with no tears. And again, when I showed the letter to the pilots there were no tears welling up, and I was more interested in telling them all about SOAR, which they were also eager to hear about. One of the pilots asked me if he could keep a copy of the letter to share with others. They invited me into the cockpit to discuss the flight and what I should expect, etc. And during the flight over and the return fllight, the pilots came to my seat and asked how it was going. They were just wonderful. They went over their flight plan and showed me where there would most likely be turbulence, but when we had turbulence I was fine. I love the jello analogy and always tell the pilots that one, too. For me, as soon as I meet the pilots the anxiety subsides almost immediately.   With each flight I've taken this year I  gain so much more confidence.

 

Thank you again for creating this program. It has really changed my life.




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Fix The Flying Problem Now



Get started with the program that works. SOAR
was established in 1982 because no programs existed which could help
people with moderate to severe difficulties. Even today, no other
program offers help that is effective except for mild difficulties. No
matter how difficult flying is for you, we can help.

Get started now. The SOAR Fast Track program can be on your computer's screen in two minutes.

• Fast Track is inexpensive.
  


• Fast Track gives you the most help possible in the shortest time.
  


• A twenty-minute private session and unlimited group counseling sessions are included.
  
  


• What you pay for Fast Track is 100% transferable to the complete SOAR Course DVD or CD.

Getting started may be difficult, but you will feel better as soon as you do by clicking here.

We
are always here to help. As you go through the program, whenever you
have a question or a concern, please call me so we can talk it over.

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Patrick's Column This Week



Shortcuts that make up time in  the air. JetBlue non-stops that turn into one-stops at the last minute.  Click here to read about this and more from Patrick.