DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for five years to a wonderful man I met on the Internet. He moved here to Idaho after our marriage. (He's from Minnesota).
We have traveled by road or by plane four or five times over the last five years to Minnesota to visit his relatives. However, my in-laws have made only one attempt to come to visit us. My father-in-law has since passed away. We flew to Minnesota for his funeral.

We have attempted many times to coax my mother-in-law to come to Idaho to visit us and the four grandkids we have had over the last five years, but she claims she's afraid of flying. When we suggested taking a bus, she came up with another excuse.

We invited his mother to Idaho for Christmas and again she refused, saying e-mail, Internet photos and phone calls are enough for her. She is very involved with her friends, card games, weight-loss programs, Red Hat Society, etc. She is only 72 and healthy and wealthy.

I am very hurt that she makes no effort at all to see us. We can't afford to fly six of us there even once a year to visit. Have you any suggestions? I think she is being selfish, but don't know how to fix the problem, and my husband is very hurt by it. -- FORGOTTEN IN IDAHO

DEAR FORGOTTEN: You can't change another person; you can only change the way you react to that person. Your mother-in-law appears to be selfish and self-centered, but much as you would like to, you can't change her. Continue to send her cards, photos and updates on her grandchildren's progress. However, you and your husband will be less hurt and disappointed if you accept the fact that his mother is flawed, do not personalize it any further and go on with your lives. Trust me on that!

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I sent "Dear Abby" a complaint about her response. Maybe you would like to write her also.

Here's what I sent:

Today I got an email from a client who was annoyed that you have no empathy or understanding of fear of flying.

People who have this problem are highly imaginative and highly intelligent: they can think of dozens of things that they think could go wrong, and can place these thoughts of disaster in their mind's eye vividly enough that it triggers release of stress hormones.

In addition, when there is good parenting, a young child is supposed to get an automatic ability to calm himself or herself.

This often does not happen; it is NOT the person's fault that they don't regulate emotions well; it is the faiilure or the parent.

It is, though, the failure of the person if they don't get help for what mom didn't provide.

If you would like to talk this over, please feel free to call. I've worked for twenty-five years helping people overcome this problem.

Capt. Tom
www.fearofflying.com
877 332-7359