Since yesterday's newsletter, a few people have emailed or posted on the
message board that this information has destroyed their confidence, or set
them back.

This has not been the case with graduates of the SOAR Program, who have
learned to put aviation information into the larger context, that flying is
remarkably safe, and that criticism of undesirable trends is necessary if air
travel is to remain as safe as we want it to be.

When anxiety is a problem, it is because a person has some level of
difficulty regulating emotions. It is all too easy to think that one has anxiety
due to situations.

Yes, situations do cause SOME anxiety, and some situations can cause a
lot. Human beings have survived for thousands of years because of
adequate emotional regulation. As the world changes, we need to adapt
and continue to regulate emotions in such a way that the emotions, them-
selves, do not threaten our physical safety and survival by leading us to
make bad decisions, simply to get rid of bad feelings.

Difficulty regulating emotions arises from somewhat less than satisfactory
early relationships (or from later trauma). When early relationships leave
us feeling insecure in the world, higher than normal levels of anxiety result.

Normal anxiety is useful. To function, we need anxiety to help us focus and
cope with real threats. But all too many of us want to get rid of anxiety
altogether. When we try to get rid of anxiety altogether, we have only three
ways to do that:

a. absolute certainty
b. absolute control
c. substance abuse

About absolute certainty: in situations where we have absolute certainty,
whatever was in question is in the past. We have no way to be absolutely
certain about the future.

About absolute control: situations where we have absolute control over
what is going to happen are rare, or are limited in scope.

About substance abuse: attempting to obliterate anxiety through the use
of drugs, alcohol, or both is dangerous because safe amounts of these
substances does nothing more than "take the edge off". Since we all
know substance abuse is a downward spiral, I don't need to say more,
except that too many people who should be working on learning to
regulate emotions take what they believe is the easy way out; it may
work for a while, but there is a major price to pay later, if not sooner.

Neither certainty nor control is going to do the job. That is, not unless one
can enter the illusion that one has control or enter the illusion that there is
absolute safety. Rather than deal with reality - with its uncertainties and its
lack of total control - it is not at all uncommon that a person turns to illusion,
myth, omens, or faith for relief.

Children whose lives are traumatic learn to use fantasy to escape pain,
chaos, and even terror. Adults whose childhoods were traumatic turn quite
easily to what they are good at: the use of illusion to deal with uncertainty
and lack of control.

Examples of Illusion:

"It is safe; there's nothing to worry about."
"Whatever will be will be."
"When it's your time, it's your time; there's nothing you can do about it."
"I have faith in God; God is watching over me and will keep me from harm."
"I have a guardian angel."
"I am invincible."
"I am in control."
"Expecting the worst will keep it from happening."
"If I don't think about it, it won't happen."
"When I drive, I'm in control."

Just as easily, though, we can have negative illusions, myths, and omens
that increase anxiety.

Examples:

"Things happen in threes, so we are due."
"If I don't worry, something will go wrong."
"If I relax and feel everything is fine, that will cause trouble."
"Everything always happens to me."
"If I fly, it is God's chance to get me."
"If I think about it, it will happen."
"Something always goes wrong."
"If I get on a plane I just know I will die."

Some ways to get rid of anxiety can threaten our adaptation, can threaten
our physical safety, and can threaten our very survival. The point I'm trying
to get to is this: we need to be mature; we need to recognize there is no
certainty and there is no absolute control that will get rid of anxiety. Anxiety
is a part of normal adult life. Illusion is for children, not adults. Sorry if this
messes up your illusion, but if illusion really was working for you, you
probably wouldn't be reading this.

When someone says their confidence has been destroyed by news that
there is some risk - perhaps increased risk - but that flying is still quite safe,
I have to suggest that the confidence was based on illusion of absolute
safety rather than on an accurate assessment of the facts and a mature
acceptance of reality. When confidence is based on emotion, ones life
decisions become dominated by the need to run away from anything that
causes fear, anxiety, or panic. Life, then, is not directed by the person.
Instead, ones life is run by having to run away from feelings.

What we all REALLY need to do is to deal with "what is" - with reality
instead of illusion - and learn to manage feelings so we can follow through.

The facts are as follows:

1. Flying is safer than any other form of travel.
2. Flying - if you choose your airline well - is safer than staying home.
3. Safety is not absolute; when we say something is "safe", most of us
mean it is "reasonably safe"; to believe "safe" means absolutely safe is
for children.
4. Belief in absolute safety may benefit very young children, but it does not
serve adults.
5. Adults need - in order to function, to adapt, and to maintain their physical
safety - to see reality clearly.
6. Adults need - in order to function, to adapt, and to maintain their physical
safety - need to regulate emotions so they can make sound choices, and
follow through with sound choices.
7. Adults who cannot regulate emotions need to learn to tolerate emotions
so they can make sound choices, instead of being pushed into bad
decisions to avoid difficult emotions.
8. When you turn away from flying to avoid feelings, you increase your risk
of mortality by driving.
9. If you stay home to avoid feelings that come through flying, you do not
make yourself safer. Flying is safer - hour for hour - than staying home
and doing your normal daily routine.


About Being A Grown-Up

Dr. James Masterson, a leading authority on psychoanalytic psychotherapy
with whom I studied, says there is a "triad" that all of us must deal with or it
will control our lives. First, I'll give it to you the technical version, and then a
layman's version.

Masterson's Personality Disorder Triad:

1. Self-activation leads to,
2. Dysphoric Feelings which leads to,
3. Defense (against being aware of the feelings).

What does this mean? First, Masterson believes everyone has some level of
personality disorder, and the greater the level of disorder, the greater the
difficulty one has regulating emotions.

Second, self-activation means directing your own life, making your own
decisions, being an individual, moving from dependency to independence.

What Masterson has observed - when working with people with major
personality disorders, but which we can learn from - is that when we make
life-choices based on self-hood, as individuals standing on our own two
feet, we find ourselves alone, perhaps a bit out on a limb, perhaps not
doing what others want us to do because what is best for us conflicts with
what they think is best for them; for example: they want to keep us depen-
dent upon them.

Because we are creatures of attachment to others, and because we grow
up dependent upon others, when we shed dependency and act in a way
that expresses our self-hood, the separateness of being an individual
causes "dysphoric feelings" (feelings such as distress, feeling upset,
feeling lost, feeling confused, feeling painfully alone).

If we are strong within ourselves to tolerate those feelings, we are able to
continue what we started. If we are not strong enough within ourselves,
we move into what therapists call "Defense". In other words, we find some
way to "defend" awareness from an assault of unwanted feelings.Many of
the ways we can defend awareness from feelings are not good for us
(alcohol, drugs, claiming we don't care and engaging in risky behavior to
prove it, or even consideration of suicide).

To fly, assuming the decision to fly is our own, we definitely must self-
activate. According to Masterson, whenever we self-activate, we can
COUNT ON running into dysphoric feelings - feelings we don't like. In
fact, he says, in some cases, the presence of dysphoric feelings may
mean we are on the right track. But to fine tune this idea a bit, let's just
figure that because of the independent nature of being an individual,
when we do what is best for us, we will run into some difficulty, either
through feelings of uncertainty, or conflict with others who want us to
do something else because of their interests.

We need to be mindful of "Defense." What do we do to get rid of the
feelings? Do we give up going through with what is in our best interest?
If we do, we still have "dysphoric feelings", but of a different kind: the pain
of lowered self-esteem and disappointment that we lacked the courage
to follow through. Defense against these feelings, again, may lead to
destructive or self-defeating behavior to mask the pain and disappointment.

We need to recognize that flying, like anything else, is not "absolutely"
safe. We must learn to deal with the anxiety of doing something that is
not absolutely safe. Why? Because we can't make sound choices
unless we can do what we rationally know is best, regardless of the feelings.

Do not simply let your feelings decide. YOU - not your feelings - need
to run your life.