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SEVERAL SUBSCRIBERS ASKED HOW TO NOT PASS ON FLYING PROBLEMS TO KIDS

The reason people are afraid of flying is that they did not get, as very young children, what was needed to learn how to calm themselves when not in control of situations.

There is a lot of new research, much of it done by Allan Schore that shows the following: infants need to develop an area of the brain just over the eyes, called the pre-frontal cortex, because that is the area that will be key in controlling and managing feelings to keep them regulated.

In order for this area of the brain to develop, there must be plenty of interaction between the mother and the infant, interaction that is highly visual.

And, for the area to become useful in regulating emotions, the mother must be able to tune into the infant and sense what the infant is feeling. Schore’s research show that when a mother senses what the infant is feeling, the infant can tell. And, he finds that the child is calmed considerably by the infants sensing that s/he is sensed by the mother.

That - itself - helps calm the infant . . . knowing mom got the message.

It is this kind of attuned responsiveness to the infant that lets the infant feel safe. As the infant grows, s/he learns calm him/herself through imagination of that connection with mom even when she is not present. Without that, the child can become upset through imagination of dangers and imagination of permanent abandonment. Since the infant does not yet comprehend time, when mom is not present, it can seem as through she has stopped existing.

When the child is upset and vividly imagines the mother calming him/her, that imagination - itself - does the calming in mom’s absence.

That internalized sense of mom is something the toddler can take with him/her when going to kindergarten as a toddler, on dates as a teenager, and into college and the workplace as an adult, and even upon the airplane.

If mom is not psychologically “inside” us to keep anxiety at bay, we need her physically “beside” us to calm us.

It is that ability to calm ones self, learned from the mother, that makes it impossible to have fear of flying. It also makes it unnecessary to turn to "sex, drugs, and rock and roll" to regulate emotions as a teenager.

That's why it is so important.

The main thing is to learn to tune into the feelings of the child and feel - not just imagine - what the child feel.

If you can do this before the child gets too upset, and you actually do feel what the child is feeling, the child will become calmer. If you have to figure it out, that‘s the next best thing. The main thing is to respond the child and not just take care of the child based on your own agenda.

The worst thing is to “project” your feelings onto the child, such as by telling the child what s/he is feeling. That is very damaging to the development of the self.

To a great extent, the child IS the child’s feelings. It is important to discover who the child IS by tuning into the child‘s feelings, versus trying (knowingly or unknowingly) to get the child to feel what you want the child to feel, and thus - unfortunately - be who you want him or her to be.

There really is someone in there. The trick is to discover who that very real person is, and delight at discoing moment by moment who that person is as he or she is revealed.

Even if you don't like who you discover the child to be, it will cost more in the long run to try to make the child who and what you want than to nourish who and what the child is.

And don't make the child cry it out at night when going to bed. You don’t want them to learn to escape reality by disconnecting from the world and going into a dissociative state.

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NOSE DIVE

My one and only fear of flying is the plane taking a nose dive into the ground. The dying part does not bother me at all, . . . if the only possible way you could die on a plane was by it blowing up in mid-air I would be okay with that.

My fear is actually being in mid-air and all of a sudden plummeting to the earth and the 3 minutes that you know what is happening, and you feel the G's in your stomach and when you look at others the fear on everyone’s face because we all know what is happening.

Taking off is the worst part for me because I guess the tilt. That position on anything for me makes me feel very vulnerable. I will not get on a roller coaster because when you are going up the hill. As well as the G's you feel when going down. I love to land though. I watch out the window. Which is ironic because if I am correct most incidents that happen are during landing or taxing the runway.

-----MY REPLY-----

First the logical part. G-forces only occur during acceleration or deceleration (change of speed). In your car, when you accelerate you feel G-forces as your back is pressed against the seat. When you slow down, you feel G-forces and must tense some muscles to keep from leaning forward.

In a dive, a plane does not accelerate in a way that you feel the G-forces. Why? Because gravity - itself - is causing the speed change.

So the first point is, what you are so sure you would feel - physically - would not be felt. You are suffering from imagination.

Now the emotional part. Again, you are suffering from imagination. What you imagine people feel when they know they are about to die is NOT what they actually feel.

How do we know? From things written by soldiers in their last moments when they realize they are about to be wiped out. From the phone calls (cell phone) from planes on 9/11. Remember how calm they were?

Both what you imagine physically and emotionally are incorrect. What is the basis for this imagination? I strongly believe that what you think WILL happen in an airplane is based on something that DID happen in your life when you were very young, too young to remember the facts, but still able to remember the feelings.

Here is what research tells us. When an infant or young child is put to bed and made to "cry it out" until they fall asleep, they go through such extreme terror that they - instead of falling asleep - go into a dissociative state in which they disconnect from everything, including their own sense of self. It is a total coming apart. I believe that what you imagine you would feel on an airplane is a “flashback” to what you felt time and time again as a child, before you could either grasp the facts of the situation or understand that you were - though abandoned - safe.

The ability to "remember" feelings (both emotional and physical feelings) is mature at birth! (This is called “implicit memory.“) But when we "remember" the feeling, the feelings do not seem like a memory. Why? Because a memory is of "something." This is a memory which involves feeling devoid of any facts. Memory that involves facts (time, place, a sense of yourself as the person experiencing the event) is called “explicit memory.“ There are no "facts" connected with this memory.

So look what you say. You don't have a problem with BEING DEAD (nothingness). You have a problem with GETTING DEAD.

It is parallel to saying, “I don’t mind being asleep; I mind going to sleep alone and abandoned and full of fears.”

And this is the essence of fear of flying, not being dead, but getting dead. Not of being asleep, but passing through a dissociated state - brought on by the terror of being abandoned by ones parents - before going to sleep.

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THIS WEEK’S INSPIRATIONAL EMAIL

Dear Captain Tom,

Thanks to you, I just returned to the Washington D.C. Area after a two-week trip to New Zealand and Australia. For this former panic-attack flyer (who has backed out of highly anticipated trips more times than I care to admit), this was the ultimate test of the effectiveness of your course. Over the two-week period, I flew:

1. From Washington DC to Los Angeles
2. From Los Angeles to Auckland, NZ (12 1/2 hours)
3. From Auckland to Queenstown, NZ (through the Southern Alps, into a narrow
valley, and circled until low enough to land -- and actually enjoyed the
experience!)
4. From Queenstown to Christchurch
5. From Christchurch to Sydney (3 1/2 hours across the Tasman Sea)
6. From Sydney to Los Angeles (13 1/2 hours)
7. From Los Angeles back home

I won't deny that I had my moments of pre-flight anxiety, but only one
takeoff in seven was uncomfortable, and as soon as the flight attendants
were up and about, that quickly wore off. I went through long periods of
turbulence over the Pacific Ocean where I was able to calmly visualize a
bumpy road or navigating swells in the ocean. I was able to keep my mind, for the most part, in the present and suspend/ignore my worst imaginings. My husband, who has patiently endured the fear (and its consequences) with me for 21 years, was both amazed and impressed (not to mention relieved!).

I feel like I've been set free, and I owe it to you -- "thank you" just
doesn't seem adequate for what you've done for me (and my family).


PS -- The vacation was fantastic, and we're already planning a return trip
next year!

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ANOTHER GEM FROM THE MESSAGE BOARD

But my biggest hurdle is internalizing the fact that everything in life has risks, including flying, and that life is not worth living if you don't take some chances (or perceived chances). I have a lot from my childhood that I need to overcome to do this.'

----- my response ------

When we were kids, the world was divided - by our parents and others - into safe and unsafe, period!

When we grow up and find that isn't true, it causes anxiety just because it isn't true.

But it causes more anxiety when we have to make choices based on the new "relative safety/risk/reward/effort" basis rather than the old "right versus wrong" or "good versus evil" or "safe versus unsafe."

It really is an important step in growing up and a lot of us never make it, and continue to see the world in polar categories.

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IMMEDIATE HELP IS AVAILABLE, EVEN AT THE LAST MINUTE

Capt. Tom Bunn MSW LCSW is both an airline captain and a licensed
therapist. Call (877) 332-7359 or (203) 258-4803

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ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE SOAR PROGRAM BUT MONEY IS HOLDING YOU BACK.

Payments can be spread out over six months with no extra fees. Contact
Lisa at (800) 332-7359 or (914) 763-9603 or email Lisa@fearofflying.com

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Got to www.fearofflying.com and click on the "message board" button.

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TO GET STARTED ON BEATING FEAR OF FLYING

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