SELF-SOOTHING AND THE SEARCH FOR SECURITY

Life provides no guarantees about the results of decisions we make. If we need absolute security, making a decision about what might even remotely turn out to be fatal can be a big deal.

Routine decisions don’t loom so large, even though a decision to cross the street carries far more risk than taking a flight. Why does something so safe as flying present such a challenge?

Someone wrote on the message board, "I can't imagine being in that situation where I am consciously aware that a choice I made has led, in the most random and unfortunate of ways, to my most-unpleasant-that-I-can-imagine-and-utterly-preventable-death. Imagining that experience, as wildly unlikely as it is, is enough to keep me off planes. There are no words to assuage this fear, so no matter what I do, the fear persists."

When we don’t have enough built-in “self-soothing” (the automatic way anxiety is kept regulated when we have optimal development between zero and age five) they way we try to keep anxiety under control is by controlling everything around us.

In other words, to control what is going on inside, we control what is going on outside.

But that is not QUITE it: the way we keep anxiety under control is by the illusion that we control everything around us.

The only trouble with flying is this: while we can regulate anxiety by control (actual control or the illusion of control) in our day-to-day lives, when we fly, we are unable to maintain either actual control or the illusion that we are in control.

The illusion that protects us from anxiety is a bubble that is burst by flying. But we don’t think it is a bubble, because we still have our bubbles working in non-flying areas.

Meeting the captain, of course, helps. Why? Because the person who IS in control is real to us.

In day-to-day living, we can avoid awareness of our actual vulnerability. In flying, we can't. Flying is too obviously a step into the unknown. Actually, every moment is a step into the unknown. Every breath is a step into the unknown. Every heartbeat is a step into the unknown. Just because breathing worked fine so far, just because the heart worked up fine until now, that is no guarantee there will be even one more breath or heartbeat.

That's the way life is. We are vulnerable. In day-to-day living, we successfully ignore that. But flying throws vulnerability right in our faces in a way we can‘t ignore vulnerability.

If everything is smooth, it helps us avoid awareness of vulnerability. But every noise and every motion re-confronts us with our vulnerability.

The person on the message board wrote, "All I want is a guarantee, and I can't have one. So I don't know what to do."

Back in the middle of the last century, stock car racing got started in North Wilkesboro, North Carolina. North Wilkesboro was famous for bootleg whisky, and the men who transported it had "hopped up" cars that were too fast for the cops to catch them.

Some of the kids I went to high school with kept themselves flush by doing a few runs for the local bootlegger whose name perhaps I should not mention, but he was one of the pillars of the community and the biggest contributor to the local Baptist Church.

Someone got the idea of putting the cars on a track and having a race. That's how it got started.

Now, can you imagine that these were not exactly Southern Gentlemen, and shoving a competitor off the track, even over the wall was routine.

Some of those treated unfairly complained to the track owner, and his reply was, "You pays yuh money (entry fee), and you takes yuh chances."

That was the rules. In other words, the rules were, there aren't any. If you want to race, you pay your entry fee, and put your car on the track and you take your chances.

Life is a lot like that. If would be nice if there were rules that always held up. If would be nice if there were guarantees to depend upon. But the way it works is, we are alive and we take our chances until we aren't around to take chances anymore.

What do we do if we become virtually paralyzed by the idea that a chance we decide to take might cost us our life? If we can’t take even the smallest of chances (at least when we are aware of them), what life do we have anyway?

In the book "The Right Stuff", experimental test pilots and astronauts were willing to take huge chances.

In the SOAR program, we try to help people become willing to take chances, too. Not enough to be a test pilot or an astronaut, but enough to take - in stride - the incredibly small risks that are required of living instead of just surviving.

When I hear some say proudly, "I'm a survivor," I think, "If that's the most a person can say about themselves, how sad."

I believe life requires some degree of risk if it is to amount to much of anything, and the fewer illusions that keep us from being aware that EVERYTHING INVOLVES SOME LEVEL OF RISK (even breathing) the better.

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AN EMAIL IN WHICH THE SUBJECT LINE SAID, “VICTORY”

I wanted to tell you personally about my recent flights. I finished the SOAR course in June and had to fly from Atlanta to California. I had not had a telephone session with you at that time and I was starting to panic. I called just before I had to board to hear your voice and get a positive word and you did just that! The flight to Calif was smooth and enjoyable. I even flew from Calif to Utah and from Utah back to Atlanta. I can honestly say that I actually enjoyed the flights even though I had some moments of apprehension. I tried to remember the calmness of your voice and the support from you and the message board.

Just this past week my mom had a stroke and I had to fly from Atlanta to NY. For some strange reason I was in a panic that I had not anticipated, probably due to the stress and worry about my mom. But.....I had since had a phone session with you and I tried very hard to remember all that you had prepared me with. I showed my letter and met the co-pilot. The pilot was not yet on the plane. He showed me the cockpit and spoke with me briefly. The flight was smooth and amazingly I did it!

On the way back the gate attendant moved me up to bulk head (which I love), she read my letter and escorted me onto the plane early. The Captain was not yet on board and I thought "oh well, no problem". A few minutes later standing before me was the Captain and this is what he said "In all my years of flying no one has wanted to meet me, this is a privilege and an honor, would you like to come up to my office?"

I was so impressed. He said "I want to get home too and I'm just taking you along for the ride". I told him that's what Capt. Tom says! He was so kind and all the flight attendants were especially kind to me. The flight was wonderful and the Captain pointed out many sights as we flew over.

Next week I am flying to Mexico with my family for vacation. I can honestly say that I am looking forward to these flights. I'm finding it's a wonderful way to have some quiet time to read and relax (did I say RELAX?!) I even fell asleep coming home from NY.

By the way, Mom is doing better.

This spring I have an opportunity to fly to Sweden and you know what? I'm actually thinking about going! Thank you Capt. Tom for caring about those of us who want so badly to conquer this fear and who are doing it with your help. Believe me, if you had known me prior to the course you would know how much of a miracle this is. My husband is so proud of me because he loves to fly and now we can enjoy traveling together!! All these flights were with Delta. Right now, regardless of their problems, I think I love them! Thanks again.

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IMMEDIATE HELP IS AVAILABLE, EVEN AT THE LAST MINUTE

Capt. Tom Bunn MSW LCSW is both an airline captain and a licensed
therapist. Call (877) 332-7359 or (203) 258-4803

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If so, please email me so the newsletter keeps reaching you. Please send
old and new address to:

tom@fearofflying.com

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MESSAGE BOARD ON FEAR OF FLYING

Got to www.fearofflying.com and click on the "message board" button.

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TO GET STARTED ON BEATING FEAR OF FLYING

To order any part of the SOAR Course or the Full Guaranteed SOAR Program,
go to:

http://www.fearofflying.com/begin.html

Or call Lisa at (800) 332-7359 or (914) 763-9603 if outside the toll
free area (US and Canada).

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