The problem runs like this. The infant lives in the moment “now.”
When the child is feeling good, a core self (in the process of developing) is taking in the good feelings and associating them with the mother. The mother, by association with the good feelings, gets labeled “good.”
The core self, as it develops around good feelings, gets labeled “good.”
The opposite is also true. When the child is feeling bad, a core self (also in the process of developing separately) takes in bad feelings and associates them with the mother. But since this mother is connected to a different core self of the child, this mother is not recognizes as the same person the “good“ core self associates with.
This is called "splitting" and it is initially the only way the child's immature mind can organize reality.
So, for a while, it is all very simple. There are two mothers (good and bad due to association with good feelings and bad feelings).
Likewise, there are two core “now” selves (good and bad due to association with good feelings and bad feelings).
There is a good core self connected with good feelings to the good mother.
There is also a core bad self connected with bad feelings to the not-so-good mother.
And as we shall see later, perhaps a third core self who has no mother at all.
As the child’s memory develops, the child moves out of the endless “now.“ The child becomes able to remember the "good mother" and the "bad mother" at the same time.
Can the child handle the realization that the two mothers are one-and-the same? The children who can, pass through this developmental crisis.
The children who can get to see the mother, other people, and the world in terms of good, bad, and everything in between. Things are not just simply good and bad, but complex.
IMPORTANT
The child who can put the good mother together with the bad mother and the in-between mother ALSO is able to put his/her own core good self together with his bad core self and develop a sense of an in-between core self.
All the core selves integrate into one.
But the child that can't handle this realization stops developing, and sees everything in terms of good and bad, good and evil, or as good-me versus bad-me.
To maintain a connection with the good mother, the “bad” core self has to be gotten rid of.
The immature child or adult "projects it" or "denies it". Denial is just that; denial that “badness” within me is nonexistent. Projection admits “badness” exists, but other in people who are bad, and not in me.
Since reality continuously assaults this oversimplified view, the developmentally arrested child/adult tends to align with people who see it the same way, and/or use substances to keep the fact that things are more complex out of awareness.
If the world were simply good and evil, us versus them, then it would be mature to see it that way.
But it isn't.
So why do people insist it is that simple?
Simple.
Developmental arrest.
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THE TERROR OF TOTAL ALONENESS
But, in addition to bad experiences in the presence of the mother, there are also bad experiences when alone.
A core self devoid of connectedness with anyone develops (if these experiences happen before the child’s memory has developed to the point that the child can hold onto a memory of the good mother when alone.)
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BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS ABANDONMENT TERROR OF COSMIC ALONENESS
The unconnected core self is not connected with either mother. When the unconnected core self is “activated” (by being left alone, for example) terror results that cannot be tolerated.
Since the child cannot tolerate it, there is only one option: dissociation.
There is a new finding that is really shocking: parents are routinely advised to put the young child to bed and if s/he cries, “let them cry it out.”
It was assumed that when the child stopped crying, the child was asleep, and indeed, sooner or later the child does fall asleep.
Research now shows that before the child goes to sleep, the child moves into the unconnected core self, which triggers terror, and then - to get away from terror - goes into a dissociated state.
After that dissociated state, the child may go to sleep. But the damage is done. The unconnected core self is “reinforced.”
As an adult, one may have - instead of one core self around which everything is organized - two or three core selves: “good connected with good feelings”, “bad connected with bad feelings”, “abandoned-dissociated connected with terror.”
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HOW THIS FITS INTO FEAR OF FLYING
This fits into fear of flying profoundly. Think of the feeling you get when up high. It triggers the unconnected core self and its terror.
Think about the feeling you get in clouds when you can’t see anything. It triggers the unconnected core self and its terror.
Think about dreams of falling and never hitting. It triggers the unconnected core self and its terror.
Think of being an a plane and it is plunging and you know you are going to die and nothing can be done about it. It triggers the unconnected core self and its terror.
Alone in terror. Abandoned in terror. A reactivation of the abandoned unconnected core self and replay of being put in bed to cry it out in terror, followed by dissociation in order to get relief.
If you doubt this, consider how, when Bonnie came up with the idea of tracking people during their flights on a computer, it became so popular we had to set up a separate message board. Just that tiny connection makes the difference between abandonment feelings being triggered and feeling connected and thus more calm.
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WHEN LEFT ABANDONED EARLIER
People sometimes adopt a child who has been left mostly alone for weeks, if not months in an orphanage. It is easy to believe that by lavishing love on the child, the child will be fine.
It just isn’t so. Children who are left alone too long too young lose the window of opportunity to become fully human.
As I see it, the terror that comes when flying has to do with very early moments when there was great distress but no one was present physically (or psychologically, through having been build into memory).
Fortunately, we do have a way to provide an internal sense of connectedness when flying that keeps the implicit memory of terror from replaying.
Though the terror is still there, we can stop it from “replaying” when flying.
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BRIEFLY
I just came back from a trip to DC on Independence Air … regional jet … and all is well … very hard to believe .. .Thanks.
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ALMOST AS BRIEF
Tom,
In April 2004 I flew to the Bahamas from Philly. I had an hour phone session with you two days before my flight. It was the best flight I had in years. Going into the cockpit and talking to the pilots was a big help. The in-flight exercises you gave me also helped. I am flying from Newark to Florida tomorrow on Continental. Could you please e-mail another letter of introduction for the pilot as well as the in-flight exercises. I know it is late notice but it would be a big help.
Thank you.
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ROLLING OUT THE LAST OF AN ACCIDENT-FREE (IN THE US) MODEL
Full story:
Thousands of employees, retirees and guests witnessed the end of an era when Boeing rolled out its last 757. Boeing delivered the first 757 in 1982. Some 1,030 remain in service around the world.
IMMEDIATE HELP IS AVAILABLE, EVEN AT THE LAST MINUTE
Capt. Tom Bunn MSW LCSW is both an airline captain and a licensed
therapist. Call (877) 332-7359 or (203) 258-4803
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ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE SOAR PROGRAM BUT MONEY IS HOLDING YOU BACK.
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